Shut Up, Day. I Hate You Already.

Nothing ever good comes at 7am.  Nothing.  The sun is barely up.  Your dream is at the middle part, you know, AFTER you're tied up and waiting for the bad guys to come back and shoot you, but BEFORE you actually escape and start that three-hour running sequence.  For the second time this week I've been awakened by The Wife at 7am in what has been bad news of some sort.  The first time was Monday when the kindergartener was "sick" and had to stay home from school.  The reasoning behind putting "sick" in quotes is laid out here.

Today, the news was at least presented to me in a less jarring fashion.  On Monday, The Wife's light brushing of my arm to "gently" wake me up resulted in me thinking spiders were crawling up to eat my face.  Today, however, she followed my instructions I sent her in an email that morning:

"Next time you wake me up, NEVER rub me lightly.  Just poke or shake me.  I swear I thought some huge spider was on me.  My heart was on fire."

So this time, she did EXACTLY what I asked, shaking me like I had been crying for 10 straight hours, time she used to do plenty of research about the success rate of postpartum depression defenses in baby murder cases.  And while my brain may have knocked around in my head a bit and I've suddenly lost all memory of my middle school years, at least I didn't think there were any spiders on me.  Immediately I thought the five-year-old was sick again and I was going to have to watch her all day.  That would have been bad enough.  But the news was worse.  For the second time this week, and the third time in six months, the fridge was out.  After it died on Monday, I ordered a part, the same part that went out over the summer, put it in on Wednesday, it worked, and now it doesn't.  That bastard at the parts store said I had four months left.  Not two days.  He called himself playing Nostradamus but instead he was just a half-ass Jimmy the Greek.  So now all of our food is back in the mini-fridge and on the porch.  Although there's really not much on the porch since a)we threw pretty much everything out when it went out the first time, and b)it's going to actually be warm today.  So we did the only thing we could, go online, and max out our Best Buy card to get another refrigerator, which sucks for two reasons, 1) It took us two years to pay that card down to a manageable balance, and now it's MAXED out again, and 2) It won't be here until NEXT THURSDAY, which means a week of this bullshit circus of going outside to get a bottle of water and soggy waffles.  It's a cluster which I really didn't want to hear at 7am.  In fact, there's a number of things I would have rather heard at that point.  So, uh...

7 Things I'd have rather heard this morning at 7a than "The Fridge is Out".

1.  "Your penis is inadequate at best and you have never satisfied me sexually."  

Now although this is a hurtful statement that hits to the core of who one is as a man, let's be real...it's not totally unexpected.  In this regard, it isn't really that difficult of a pill to swallow.  Unlike the refrigerator, it doesn't lead to me having to spend any money, unless she insists I contact Jimmy Johnson and figure out exactly how much Extenze I need to take to make me "adequate".  Although I'm guessing if she wakes me up at 7am JUST to tell me this, she really isn't looking for me to try to better myself, because the very next thing out of her mouth will most likely be, "That's why I've been sleeping with a man named Deon behind your back.  And another named Travon.  They're both in their early 20s."

2.  "The house is on fire.  Unfortunately your arms and legs seem to be handcuffed to the bed.  Goodbye."

Again, an unfortunate circumstance.  My wife is not only leaving me and taking the children, but she is killing me in a pretty gruesome way.  It's weird because in my dream I was having before she woke me up, I had let the gas overflow when filling the tank and it got all over my hands and then everything smelled like gas.  Then when I woke up, I realized that the reason I had that dream was because everything does smell like gas, including the bed and my clothes and sheets.  But the good thing is I won't have to pay for a new refrigerator.  There's some smoke.  Well, at least I'll have a good idea what hell is like, which is most likely where I'm going anyway.

3.  "The dog shit on your flatscreen TV."

Well first of all, kudos to the dog for somehow scaling the big screen television and despite not having opposable thumbs, spraying stick-um or something on his paws so that he could stick to the screen and take a dump.  Also, crapping while horizontal has to be extremely difficult, so, again, very commendable.  But this all seems pretty unrealistic.  I would need to take a smell test to determine if it, indeed is dog shit.  And honestly, who turns down the chance to smell shit?  Again, not too bad a situation, especially if we catch it when it's still wet and we can wipe it down with one of the kids' shirts.  Plus, if your wife is actually trying to destroy the television because she's sick of never seeing you during football season on Sundays and Mondays, and her way of doing this is by taking fresh dog shit and wiping it on the television, well, good effort, but you realize any aversion you have to the Dirty Sanchez is hereby null and void.

4. "There's a bum in my car."

I actually got this one once.  Back when we were living in Michigan.  I was awakened by my screaming and hysterical wife who then was my fiance, about a man sleeping in her car.  She was headed to work, opened the door, and there he was.  It was the dead of winter, freezing out.  I went out to investigate, opened the door, and sure enough, there was a guy sleeping in the car.  A college student, no doubt.  Dude smelled like beer and had obviously gotten torched the night before, gotten lost, thought he was going to freeze to death, and for some reason decided he had to find a car to stay warm.  I don't think he had any shoes on either.  I told him to get the hell out of the car and he mumbled something about being cold.  It was the strangest encounter with a car bum I've ever had.

5. "The kids were on the computer.  Care to explain why 'skinnyasianboys.com' was on the screen?"

Well that's a shame.  Although, in my defense, you're never to early to learn about the wonders of sex and in particular the smooth, hairless body of a Filipino teenage boy.  Let's be real...the girls are 5 and 9. Let's cut the cord already.  They probably already talk about this stuff amongst their friends at school.  Hell, what do you think "Time Out" is for in Kindergarten?  They don't send you to the corner by yourself just to sit and do nothing.  They expect you to do SOME exploring, and I'd be a bad dad NOT to present them with safe options to make themselves and Teacher satisfied.  

I'm going to jail, aren't I.  

6.  "The cat isn't breathing."

Here's something I really can't help you with.  The cat isn't breathing.  O...kay.  I'm not sure what you want me to do about that.  I'm not a vet.  Nor am I Jesus or David Blaine.  I can't simply bring something back to life.  And we have a perfectly good hole in the back yard that the dog has been working on for a year now.  Put 2-and-2 together and there really is no reason for me to be involved here.  Cover the hole with a rug and when I get up at noon I'll go get some potting soil from the Lowe's.  And as far as the kids are concerned, it seems like a good a time as any to explain Kitty Heaven and such.  Again, they're girls...so like periods, make-up and ironing, this should probably be your show.

7.  "There's a man at the door.  He says you owe him money.  He has a gun."

Okay, look.  Before you wake me up at 7am can we be a little more specific?  What kind of gun?  And how much money?  I owe a lot of people money.  Although the fact this man would show up at the door has taken things to a different level.  But these things I can handle.  The guy is probably a thug with the intellect of a oh he's in the room now.  Look, sir, I was simply trying to explain to my wife that at 7am it really would make more sense to...$50,000?  Really?  Hmmm.  I mean, I knew I was in the shit but that's quite a bit of change.  How about this, I don't really have the money right now, but I can get it to you in probably a few...what are you...handcuffs?  Okay dude, you really don't have to put gasoline on me.  OHHHH...so YOU'RE Travon!!  Huh.  Really didn't picture you being white.