Without fail, the Christmas season takes its toll on me every year. It's not just because of the fact that it coincides with football season and my body has to get used to being Andy Kapp for four months. It's all the stuff that goes with it. The things we HAVE to do. The way we HAVE to feel. It's a time of the year that I look forward to but when it gets here I can't wait to end. I'm not being a Scrooge here, just telling it like it is. Because it's not like there are activities or rituals about the holiday that are strictly "good" or "bad" things...every part of the season has it's positives and negatives, and depending on the situation or time of day or severity of the hangover, I'll either be extremely happy at the moment or extremely annoyed. For example:
CHRISTMAS SPECIALS
Likes: Rudolph and such. The specials that bring me back to when I was a kid growing up in the 80's with nothing on my mind but Cheetos and fruit pies. I love seeing the commercials for the old school specials, and I try to make sure my kids watch them with me. Although, as much as I've tried they still don't "get" the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. I think when Linus says "Lights, please" and talks about the true meaning of Christmas, they check out. It's like when someone knocks on your door and asks if they may spread the word of the gospel. I mean, you know you should be listening, but really who has the time. Jesus. God. Disciples. Dead. Rise. Wine. Smiting. That's about all you need to know. Just get to the part where I'm surrounded by 40 virgins or come back as a beetle or whatever it is that happens.
Dislikes: Sappy holiday bullshit specials. I swear to God, the Lifetime Network would not be in business were it not for their ability to take previously cool actors, throw them in terrible movies and make me lose all respect for them. Every year you'll see numerous ads for these pieces of slop. Piano music. Slow motion. A lot of hugging. Probably some tears. Someone running down the street in the snow. A night scene where someone is looking up at the stars. More hugging. Meredith Baxter. And for some reason these things are always three hours long. With the production values of a Jerry Lewis Telethon.
PRESENTS AND SHOPPING
Likes: The joy of seeing people get something they want. Getting good deals. Hell, although I didn't do it this year, there is a certain rush you get when you get up on Black Friday at 2am to run to Kohl's or Best Buy or Toys R Us, frantically run around the store and just start grabbing shit as if a jury just acquitted two white officers in the shooting death of an innocent black man, and come home with your Christmas shopping done and it's not even December yet. It's fun to also play detective all year and REALLY listen closely to the things your family members say in order to get clues about what gifts they'd really like. Giving is fun.
Dislikes: Giving sucks. The fact that we are forced to take on second jobs or participate in sleep studies to "pay" for this holiday is the worst. And it's never good enough. Now commercials are riding this thought process...I think it's Sears who has the slogan now "Be the Santa You Want to Be". Christ. You'd think that it'd just be okay to buy a few gifts that your kids really want and everyone would be happy but it's to the point where as a parent, excess isn't only accepted, it's required. In fact, last year was the first time in I don't know how many years that The Wife and I actually got each other something for Christmas. Usually we spend the money on everyone else because we have to. And you can forget going to the mall or the toy store or whatever on any weekend in December. The parking lots are filled and the lines are out the door. I should bring a grill and tailgate next time I go shopping on one of these days. I cook a mean flank steak.
NEIGHBORHOOD LIGHTS
Likes: This is fun. I love driving around and pointing out to the kids, "Hey kids, look at that!" And they look. And they say "Oooh" or "Ahhh" or some other cliched phrase used to signify being wowed. It's fun though. In California we drove a ways to check out a famous neighborhood of lights that once we got there I realized was the sole reason the state has such a power crisis. The line of cars was extremely long and we all could have walked faster than the car was moving, but it was pretty cool. I also like the people who connect their lights to music and the lights move in sync with the beat. Although I have yet to see anyone connect the lights to Snoop Dogg or Eminem. That'd be neat.
Dislikes: A couple of things. First of all, if you're going to put up lights, at least have some sort of cohesiveness going on. The houses that don't know what they want to be with white lights here and colored lights there bug me. This is not an interracial marriage. The two don't go together. Figure it out. Stick to one race type of light and go with it. And if you're going to put up 10,000 light bulbs, at least make it good. The houses where the lights just hang in places as if draped up by a 95 year old invalid need to check themselves. It's like The Snookie. Gaudy, sloppy and an eyesore. Tighten the shit up. This is why I don't put anything up on my house. I know my limitations. I suck at anything household related that requires effort, skill or a ladder. That's why the tree we have already has lights attached, and, as was the case last year, my nine-year-old daughter will be in command of lighting the house.
MUSIC
Likes: This. This picture right here. If all I heard was "Christmas in Hollis", I'd be a happy man. It makes me think of a time when rap was good, Santa Claus was real, and Die Hard. But beyond this song I LOVE Christmas music. Bing Crosby, Sinatra, Nat King Cole, the shit is great. I have a running tradition of waking up with the kids on Christmas morn, turning on the radio (or in more recent years the Digital Cable Music Channel) to Christmas music and watching them open the presents while we listen to Silent Night. Hearing Christmas music gets you all warm inside and makes you want to have cocoa and lay around in your robe and slippers. And smoke a pipe. And maybe have a snifter of brandy. Perhaps a little Ecstacy. But not too much. Doing snow angels out in the front lawn while naked is not only not good for your skin, but is apt to cause some issues with the neighbors.
Dislikes: Crimeny O'Pete. Make it stop. I love listening to Christmas music on my own time, but Jimminy Christmas...EVERY store you go to is playing it. Gas stations, banks, grocery stores, everywhere. It's overwhelming. It's almost like the oxygen the casinos use in Vegas to keep you awake and gambling. The Christmas music when you walk into the store gets you alert to the fact that Christmas is around the corner and forces you to buy things. It's sadistic. Plus, if you're going to play the Christmas music, at least change the station now and then. The last three times I've been to the store I've heard Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas" and let me say this...I am not a fan. Not a fan. But Kudos to you, Nick Cannon. You're the Bobby Brown of the next generation.
CHRISTMAS SPIRIT
Likes: I LOVE the whole "Goodwill and Holiday Cheer" bullshit. It's great. For the one time all year, people actually stop looking out for themselves and actually think of others. They give to the Salvation Army bell ringers, they give Toys for Tots, they make donations...it's a fun time to be a positive human being. In fact, when I picked my five-year-old up from Kindergarten yesterday afternoon, she immediately told me that "The Principal wants us to give money to kids who don't have any, and I have a lot of money so I want to give it to them." I had something in my eye at that point. It was a contact lense. But I also had a tear welling up. This is the reason I look forward to the holiday. If nothing else, despite all of the money we have to spend and the stress and the shopping, pretty much everybody you run into is in a great mood. Makes life go a lot more smooth when you're greeted with genuine smiles.
Dislikes: ONE BIG DISLIKE. It's too much. The holiday is so based on gifts and buying and spending and whatnot that it's not even about the true meaning of Christmas. That's why people really should be paying attention to Linus' speech. It doesn't matter if the tree you get is small or big or the amount of presents you bought don't pile up to the ceiling. Now I'll admit I'm pretty darn rotten at going to church, but one year a few years back I was SO completely disenchanted with the what the holiday had become that I got up early on Christmas morning, threw on some sweatpants and went to church. And would you believe it actually helped? I'm the last person that should be preaching about "the true meaning" and all that crap, but regardless of one's faith, I really think this holiday is simply about being with family. And I could really do without all the pomp and circumstance that surrounds it. I say quit putting so much pressure on yourselves to "be the best Santa you want to be", and simply do what you can. Your loved ones will appreciate the effort. Unless they're my kids in which case they'll continue the Christmas tradition of bitching and moping the second they're done opening their gifts. But you get the point.
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