Boredom + Electric Razor = This.

When one is unemployed, there's really no reason to keep up on normal grooming techniques like wearing matching socks, showering before 5pm, or at the very least, shaving.  Now lately I've had a pretty good beard going, to the point where I've started a comedy bit where I freak out the children solely by slowly walking towards them while creepily scratching my long, unkempt beard with both hands.  For some reason they find this chilling and their screams have sustained the bit for a while now.  However, for the last couple of days the beard got itchy and just annoying, so I decided to shave it last night.  But before I did, I decided that it would be a shame to just waste all this hair.

So as I looked at the razor I thought to myself, "You know, I could easily take my next unemployment payment, buy a plane ticket to some remote island in the Caribbean, and leave this shitty life forever and never be found.  The wife could remarry someone decent with money and the kids would soon learn to love him.  Maybe he's an athlete.  Or a surgeon.  And tall.  Maybe white.  Yes.  This plan could be best for all parties involved."  Then I chickened out because I knew that they'd find me and I'd still have a shitty life but it'd just be in the Caribbean.  So after I stopped crying, I got back on topic and thought to myself, "Why don't I shave this beard down in increments, to show people the stigmas that come with the way men wear their facial hair." And there are certain stigmas that maybe you don't really think about unless you're confronted with them.  So, uh...here's your confrontation.

"THE BUM"

This is the full beard that I was telling you about.  It's a look that says, "I've been sitting on the side of the road all day with a sign that says, "I want $$ for Booze, not Food".  It says that I haven't showered in two weeks, I've been wearing the same sweatshirt since I pulled it off my buddy Larry who died three months ago under the 18th street underpass, and I know where every library in town is located.  When I've been going to pick up the kids with this beard, I've felt a strong combination of pity and disgust.  Once I went with not only the beard but my hooded sweatshirt as well.  The teachers must have thought I was a disgruntled father who came to exact revenge on my bitch of an estranged wife with a shoehorn and a bottle of acid, grab my kid and tell her mom's sick and she wanted us to get in the car right now and drive to Oregon.  There's nothing good about the look of "The Bum".

"THE CONVICT"

This is the look of the beard shaved down a bit to where it's kind of a half-beard but connected to the goatee.  To me this reminds me of how my cousin "Sugaman" looked when he got out of the joint after a four year bid for assaulting a pizzaman with a crowbar.  I wish I was kidding but that's a true story.  He and some of his friends order a pizza- TO THEIR APARTMENT- then rob the delivery boy and smash his face with a crowbar.  Interestingly enough the police somehow had a pretty good idea of where they needed to go to find the perps.  So every time I see this beard I think of Sugaman and shanks and trays of mashed potatoes.  Whenever I want to go out and look like a bad ass, I wear "The Convict".  Two things that make you feel invincible...being the only black man at da club...and wearing "The Convict".

"THE DOUCHEBAG"

A smaller, thinner version of "The Convict".  It's a prettier cut that is used by your Kevin Federlines and Chris Daughtrys that some refer to as the "chinstrap".  I prefer calling it "The Douchebag".  95% of men who wear this are people you just know will start off a conversation with "So yo, I was at Diddy's yesterday..."  However, when you know it's coming from a douchebag, the translation of that is "I spent yesterday wearing ripped boxers and a wife beater, picking the jam out of my toes, sniffing it before I flicked it to the carpet and then ate cold pizza without washing the remaining jam from my fingernails."  Don't ever wear "The Douchebag" unless it's part of a Halloween costume or you're trying to be ironic, and even then it's a gamble people will be able to look past your douchery in order to laugh at the joke and not at you.

"THE ASIAN TRUCKER"

There's something about the disconnected mustache and goatee that looks decidedly Asian.  Add the long sideburns and the Wheaties cap and you've got "The Asian Trucker".  Looking at myself I kept thinking I was going to be taking on Jean Claude Van Damme in a Death Match, but at the Stuckey's off I-94.  This is one that even I honestly couldn't leave the house with.  I think if I did go out, the only place I'd feel comfortable with a look like this is at a casino in the Baccarat room.  Or maybe a strip club.  Other than that when you're "The Asian Trucker" you've probably got your speed dial filled with take out restaurants, ecstasy dealers and hookers.  

"THE STACHE"

God, there are so many things one can be when wearing "The Stache"- A cop, a porn star, a Mexican man...or woman- the list goes on and on.  For some reason, there's something that's super seedy about this look.  I think the only legitimate mustaches belong to Army Sergeants, baseball umpires and LeVar Burton.  I remember the first really good stache I saw belonged to Tom Selleck.  Then Ted Lange.  Then no one.  Mustaches are brutal for the most part and unless you're one of the aforementioned people, more than likely if you have a mustache, you enjoy Old Milwaukee beer, have four-to-five mistresses all of whom are over 290lbs, and at least three arrests, two for domestic violence.   It's best to avoid the man behind "The Stache" at all costs.  And finally...

"THE GAY BUTLER"

There's really no explanation needed for this one, except this: Eat your heart out, John Waters.