So porn is good then? Or...

Okay, don't get me wrong.  Kim Kardashian is stupidly hot.  Ridiculous.  The type of hot that when you see them walk by at the grocery store...check that.  You NEVER see this type of hot at the grocery store.  Just sick.  This is not a blog to debate her looks, degree of beauty or size of ass.  What this is, however, is simply a statement on how celebrity is made anymore.  I woke up this morning afternoon and the first thing I saw was a People Magazine with Kim K. on the cover, talking about how she's 30 and thought she'd be married by now.  Then I sit down at the computer and on AOL there's an article about Kim K.'s new swimsuit line.  Now I just have one question...

DOES NO ONE REMEMBER THIS IS THE GIRL THAT GOT FUCKED BY RAY J...ON CAMERA????

I don't get it.  I remember back in the day that doing porn was pretty much the end of someone's career.  I remember articles about this porn star Tracy Lords who tried and tried and tried for YEARS to get into the mainstream acting world but no one would give her a job because she'd blown 3-trillion guys and a couple of horses in her career.  And Rob Lowe couldn't act for 10 years after the tape came out of him in an orgy with a couple of girls, one who was underage.  Now someone does it and it's the springboard to a fabulous celebrity lifestyle.  I mean, seriously, who the hell was Kim K. before Ray J dropped the hammer on her?  Before that ass was flopping around on every red-blooded American man's computer, I had never heard of her.  Now she's got reality shows, perfumes, clothing lines, articles in People...all because (and I'm not trying to be crude here but it's the truth) she gave up the ass.  So this blog is dedicated to those people who were either dumb or smart enough, you decide, to have sex on camera and parlay it into becoming a legitimate household name where people now have for some reason forgotten that they became famous because they had sex on camera.  And seeing as this has to do with PORN VIDEOS, people, there will be some PORN VIDEO LANGUAGE.  So if you're offended by PORN VIDEO LANGUAGE, then get over it, remember we're all adults and read on.  PORN.  (There, that should be enough mentions of porn to get this blog found on all the search engines).

PARIS HILTON

Again, NOT doubting her hotness, but come on.  Good Lord.  The girl became famous for sucking dick on camera.  That's it.  A night-visioned, green, weird-eyed spectacle that sucked dick for 20 minutes, and became a superstar because of it.  The fact that she played a LEAD role in a feature film afterwards truly destroyed any respect I had for the movie industry.  Paris Hilton is a no-talent bimbo who has touched a nerve in me so badly that for the first time in my life I used the phrase "no-talent bimbo".  I'm pretty sure the reason she can be arrested so many times for DUIs and Drug Possession and get away with it is because in the back of his mind the judge thinks that if he's lenient, Paris will do what his wife has refused to do for the last 15 years because she lost her teeth and the feeling of his member in there feels like she's being forced to swallow a squid.

RAY J

For the love of Ray J?  No.  For the love of Christ.  You've got to be kidding me with this guy.  First of all he gets to plow one of the hottest women on the planet.  And secondly, it turns him into a freaking celebrity.  Before he was just "Brandy's little brother".  After this, people actually started letting him record music, and he had a HIT reality show where he was given his choice of as many beautiful women as he wanted to find "love".  I despise Ray J.  And in looking at this picture, it really makes me think that Kim K and Ray J knew EXACTLY what they were doing when the tape "leaked".  I mean look at her.  She's got makeup on and is doing that acting "this is the greatest moment of my life" look, and his fake ass has the camera pointed to the exact side to correspond with the crook in his penis so it looks larger than it is.  No idea what that means.  But the point is that if Ray J hadn't done this tape, brotha would probably only be on television when TMZ reported his latest arrest for selling crack.

PAM ANDERSON

Probably the first big one that I can remember.  I mean the tape, not her...well you know.  And this was also the first tape that I remember not doing any damage to an actress' career.  Instead, it made her an even bigger star and created a legend out of Tommy Lee and his ginormous third leg.  Pam Anderson, to me, was sticking it in our faces with this one.  She had already created a successful Baywatch career out of nothing more than extremely large breasts and absolutely no acting talent whatsoever, and now she releases this tape that pretty much had every woman saying, "Shit, I wish I looked like that" and every guy saying, "Shit, I wish I looked like that".  Thankfully Karma has exacted SOME revenge, as today's Pam Anderson has morphed into something out of a Tim Burton flick.  Gruesome.  Abhorrent.  Disgusting.  Let that be a lesson to you young girls out there...plastic surgery does NOT stand the test of time.

MONTANA FISHBURNE

Now this one's just sad.  It's the first time I think I've ever seen a person actually come right out and say "Yeah, I really can't make a regular career based solely on my talent, so I'm going to do a sex tape and become a star like Kim K. and the rest of the sluts."  I mean, the fact that you would stoop to doing a sex video with a guy who looks like "Where's Waldo" and Flavor Flav had a love child is telling enough.  But even worse is, YOU'RE ALREADY RICH.  Your dad is Laurence Fishburne.  WHY would you destroy the tracks of the gravy train that would be chugging along your entire life, in an ill-conceived attempt to become famous?  I mean, let's be real...I had to google your name, Montana.  Your sex tape did nothing but ruin your relationship with Dad and cast a light on you as a money and fame-seeking tramp who will do anything to become a household name.  But in the end, this tape may have worked as well...she's gotten modeling work since.  

TONYA HARDING

The DUMBEST sex tape in the history of sex tapes.  The fact that a woman could be an olympic disgrace, convicted of assault and tied into one of the craziest crime conspiracies in the history of celebrity news could STILL get away with releasing, and making money, on a sex tape is absolutely insane.  And for crying out loud, it worked.  After she and Gillooly released this thing, she went on to do all sorts of shit.  Celebrity boxing, a ton of other reality shows, and she currently is one of the featured "comedians" on The Smoking Gun show on cable.  And ironically, she's probably making more money now than the legitimate athlete and star, Nancy Kerrigan, that she had whacked with a crowbar.  Outrageous.  

VINCE NEIL

Oh come on.  Really?  Okay, I'll give you that Vince Neil was a bad ass lead singer, but seeing him flop around on camera was like watching a manatee on a treadmill.  This was a desperate attempt by a has-been rocker to put himself back in the limelight and by God, it worked.  Since this tape, Neil went from obscurity back into mainstream television.  He's been on a freaking million reality shows, and not just cable crap...network television stuff as well.  But this luck shouldn't be surprising considering he drove drunk and killed a guy in the 80's and served 15 days in jail.

However, thankfully, not all celebrities who go this route have created fortunes out of their lack of shame.  There have been some epic fails in the celebrity porn tape phenomenon which hopefully will serve as lessons to those who think their ticket to fame and fortune is on a purposely leaked DVD.  

Looking at this makes me ill.  Paul Bunyan meets Ron Jeremy.  A tape NO one wanted to see yet was shoved down our throats anyway.  In the end, however, Screech's tape was the biggest joke of a release since Ishtar.  

And this is the blog post you get from hungover Shaun.