P90x + Stupid Blue Hat = SB Wins.

As far as fitness goes, my life has pretty much been a combination of failure and chicken wings, one usually the result of the other.  The problem is I hate working out.  I hate running.  I hate lifting weights.  I hate Nash Bridges.  Seriously.  Nothing to do with Cheech.  Dude rocks.  I have no problem with Cheech.  The problem is Don Johnson.  I USED to think he was cool, until he Big-Timed me when I saw him out at a bar in L.A. and he told me he wouldn't take a picture with me because he was "in a meeting".  You know what, screw your meeting.  There's no one around and it's been a long time since "Tin Cup", Sport. You should be happy a black man recognizes you who isn't Tubbs.  If I see you again, I not only will NOT ask you for a picture, I'll just go over to your table, lean in, take a pic of the two of us, and say, "That'll be five bucks."  The shock of the moment will be worth the eventual restraining order.

So, back to fitness.  Finally, after years of a vicious circle that basically started out with a childlike glee for the new body that I would eventually get from the gym/kickboxing classes/Tae-bo/Six-Minute Ass, but ended with yet more disappointment because...what?  It's "Six-minute ABS"?  Really?  Well, then.  That would make sense.  I kind of wondered what the point was of being able to crack open walnuts by doing squat thrusts.  Hmmm.  What a waste of time that was.  Except I did come up with a pretty good recipe for walnut hummus.  So if you're interested, you know, I, uh...have a recipe for walnut hummus.  

The only thing that would work for me, after years of failure, would be the P90x.  For a guy like me who doesn't like to go anywhere to work out, or for that matter work out in front of anyone, this thing's perfect.  DVDs that you can watch at home.  And you see the results above.  However, a lot of you have asked me what it's all about.  "Shaun," you've said, "You're an adonis.  You truly are.  I would rather they had waited to produce the movie Rocky until you were old enough to play Apollo Creed because Carl Weathers, although serviceable, has nothing on you and should have simply been known for Action Jackson."  Well thank you.  I agree.  And because of your kind words, I have decided to give you a better picture of what the P90x is all about, by comparing a few of the program's workouts to famous TV Supervillains.  So you wanna do P90x?  Well, read on first.  

DISC ONE: CHEST & BACK(Push-ups and Pull-ups)

Aunt Esther

An angry, brutal, unforgiving workout.  Despite your pleas for mercy, it doesn't stop coming at you, and continues to beat you even when you're down and begging for the sweet embrace of death and Elizabeth.  It's a confrontation with an ugly competitor that has no soul and no intention of being your friend and making you feel good.  Throwing up is usually part of the equation when you come into contact with this thing.  You want it to die.

DISC TWO: PLYOMETRICS(Jump Training)

Mumm-Ra

An extreme case of ADD. Can never die.  Every spell it throws at you has the sole purpose of exhausting you mentally and physically.  It despises the fact it ever has to stop and take breaks.  Can't ever look at itself in the mirror because its own evil is even too much for it to handle.  Decides once in a while to take it easy on you by changing forms into something you are familiar with and aren't too afraid of, but for the other 95% of the time, it is a hyper, abusive creature most likely addicted to meth.  

DISC FOUR: YOGA

The Pedophile Shopkeep

Interested in specific positions.  Especially the downward dog and the child pose.  Very quiet.  Creeps up on you and before you know it you're breathing heavy, are sweaty and have had your body contorted in ways that you never thought it could.  Wants your entire relationship to happen in a place with dim lights and Enya playing in the background.  Prefers males because it knows they are less likely to tell about their experience.  

DISC FIVE: LEG & BACK (Squats, Calf Raises, Lunges, Pull-ups)

The Joker(Heath Ledger version...yeah I know he was in the movie and not the TV show but come on, dude was the best.)

Sick.  Twisted.  Takes a special pride in watching your limbs shake.  Plays head games with you.  Wants you to think you've got a chance at surviving at first, but then halfway through makes it clear that even if you do survive, at the very least you'll be walking with a limp for weeks, and worst case your extremities will be rendered useless forever.  And the worst part is once you finally do get used to its torture and appreciate it for its uniqueness, it dies of an accidental overdose.

DISC SIX: KENPO X(Kickboxing)

Boss Hogg

The one villain you're really not all that scared to see.  You've beaten it before and you'll beat it again.  Extremely loud, but not really that much of a threat.  It's habits put a lot of stress on your heart and lungs, and many times its accent makes it hard to understand what it's trying to say.  Will make you sweat it out each week but in the end you'll come out of it feeling invincible, like there isn't a canyon you can't jump or a daisy you can't duke.    

DISC EIGHT: CORE SYNERGISTICS(Push-ups, yoga, core, legs, weights)

Godzilla(The old, cheap-ass suit Godzilla, not the Matthew Broderick technologically bastardized Godzilla)

A psychopath.  Doesn't know what it wants to be.  One second it's your friend.  The next it's tearing down your city.  Basically wants to be everything to everyone and because it can't, it gets frustrated and just starts smashing shit until you get the message.  Some people love it and some people want it to go back to its home planet and never come back.  Every time it makes an appearance, you'll need to spend quite a bit of time rebuilding.  Trying to reason with it usually ends in confusion and disaster.

DISC 12: AB RIPPER X(Abs, not Ass)

Stanley Roper

Only comes around once every few days.  Knows that although it needs to make an appearance every so often to make sure you're staying on the right track, it also knows that you don't ever want to see it.  No matter what you do it's disappointed in you.  You can never live up to its standards and it knows this, which is why it's so cocky every time you see it.  If you spent as much time actually working with it and being responsible instead of trying to avoid it all the time, you wouldn't dread it so much and the two of you might actually have a good relationship.  But that will never happen because you aren't really gay. 

Hopefully this cleared some things up when it comes to the P90x workout plan.  I find you can always go back to television for the answers to many of life's important questions.  Speaking of which, does anyone remember who this guy is?  

First one who answers correctly wins a free "Just Give Up" book when it's published.  Here's a hint...the show rocked.  Yeah, so it's not a great hint.  Whatever.  I'm the one giving away the free book.