Gifts That Suck.

Oh my God.  I have no idea what this even is. And are you seriously telling me that even the densest of gate personnel at a ballgame wouldn't be able to tell that you're holding pretty much the equivalent of two 40oz' of beer under this monstrosity of a contraption?  I think there's probably a reason I haven't seen this advertised alongside the Shake Weight, and have never heard the booming voice of the Ghost of Billy Mays yelling at me about how the "Beer Beard is the perfect addition to any drunk's liquor cabinet!!!"  The point is, I found this picture on a website of "bad gifts", and this would certainly fit the bill.

Now although you usually don't have to go to the length of the Beer Beard to give a bad gift, there are many other things we consistently wrap and put under the tree that give off the impression that not only did you get this at the last minute, in buying this gift you pretty much just wanted to fulfill the obligation of buying something.  I remember every year I used to go to Target on Christmas Eve, and buy every gift for everybody in about a 10 minute span.  Nowadays, however, I have to actually buy gifts that matter because people actually expect you to go into deep thought to think about them and their personal preferences before buying anything.  In my mind that sort of thinking is extremely inconsiderate and if I want to get you a potato peeler because I think you would benefit from some fresh cut french fries from time-to-time, then you should trust my judgement and enjoy this potato peeler.  Hell, AND I bought you a sack of potatoes too.  NOT sure what else you want.  REALLY not sure.  Anywho, here are five gifts that we give all the time but really suck.

GIFT CERTIFICATES

The ultimate in "I could give a crap."  There's a great line from King of the Hill that goes something along the lines of "So Bobby, you want to give your father, a man who worked so hard to conceive you, the same thing we give the mailman."  Well said, Peggy Hill.  I mean, I guess if you have a teenager who doesn't like or appreciate anything you ever give her, then it is appropriate to give a gift certificate with a card that says, "I'm sick of trying.  Buy your own goddamn gift.  Don't do drugs." (You always have to slip the drug talk in anywhere you can).  But seriously.  If you're going to spend $50 on a gift card, at least hedge your bets...go to Kohl's, buy a whole bunch of slop, throw it at the wall and see what sticks.  At least one of the bullshit things you buy with that $50 has to be something they like.  I suggest a light saber. Everyone likes light sabers.

TIES

I'll admit, this was THE gift I gave my dad every year.  Every. Single. Year.  A tie and maybe some boxer shorts.  I have no idea why I thought this was something he'd really love.  I mean, I'm a dad now and if my kids gave me a tie and boxer shorts I'd snatch up the video game system I gave them and not only change the sticker from "From Santa to Kids" to "From Santa to Dad", I'd also put "From DAD to Dad" just to let them know what's really going on in life.  Okay, relax people.  Christ.  I would NEVER do that.  I'd simply put on the tie, smile and tell them that I appreciate the tie but daddy doesn't have a job and never will...oh, and we'll be losing the house soon so we'll be living in the van.  Other than that, I love the gift!

REGIFTS.

Speaking of my dad, maybe I shouldn't feel so bad for getting him all of those ties because he is the KING of regifting.  Not a freaking birthday or holiday goes by where he isn't wrapping some bullshit up that he never opened and passing it off as a thoughtful, expensive gift.  The thing about my parents is that they are big-time gamblers.  Pretty much every weekend they're gone to the casino.  This past week...no joke...she calls me on Thursday and says, "Um...we told you we're in Atlantic City, right?"  I said, "No...so you're going to Atlantic City this weekend?" She said, "No, we're here."  Outstanding.  So anyway they are Super Double Diamond Big Time High Roller Members at the Harrah's (not sure if that's the actual name but you get the idea).  Anywho, they get all of these free gifts all throughout the year.  The casino says come pick up your free, um, I don't know, CD player, in the hopes that while they're there picking it up, they'll drop $100 in a slot, which usually happens.  So they have an entire basement storage room filled with these things...DVD players, toasters, clothes, all sorts of shit.  He actually had to build a shelving unit to house all this stuff.  What was my point here?  Oh yeah.  Regifts blow.  Takes the spirit out of giving and all that crap.  Although I guess this is how my parents can afford all of these gambling excursions...they never spend any money on gifts.

SNUGGIES

Seriously.  It's over.  Stop it.  This bullshit thing needs to come to an end.  Anybody who got a Snuggie for a gift last year is no longer using it, and anyone who got a Snuggie two years ago has already thrown it out.  This novelty is good all of about a week, and then you realize how stupid it actually is.  And good God, please don't buy the really cheap ones.  My mother-in-law, while well-intentioned, bought some really odd "Snuggies" with buttons running up and down the sides, and if you don't button them just right, they're only blankets with buttons.  They've honestly become throw rugs on our couch.  They're the weirdest things ever.  And the Snuggies we got the kids last year...one is a blanket and the other I don't know where that thing went.  I bought my sister a U of M one last year which I'm sure in less than a week went the way of an unwanted baby.  Unless you're like these schmoes in the picture and are using the Snuggies as a photo op or as part of some drinking game, these things are terrible gifts. 

DVDs

I'm not sure who took this picture, but it had to be at the bargain bin at Costco.  Hitch? Hostage?  Any season of Futurama?  Good Lord.  First of all, NEVER buy anyone a DVD. Ever.  DVDs are over and if they don't have a Blu-Ray player, then by Christ they don't deserve a movie anyway.  And have you ever seen the look on the face of a person who DOES have a Blu-Ray player who opens up a regular DVD?  It's a look of, "Well, I would return this but I don't think $3 is worth my trip across town to the Best Buy."  First of all, movies suck nowadays (Good God, A Guy Thing??? Who's crap ass movie shelf IS this!?!?)  Secondly, if you're going to buy someone movies, make sure that they 1) watch movies at home, and 2) like the type of movie you bought.  No.1 is key.  Sometimes you've got a big movie fan who, for whatever reason, loves movies but either doesn't like or have the time to spend two hours at home to watch one.  No. 2 is also important.  Whether it's from talking to The Wife, or whatever, my brother-in-law is very good at knowing exactly the movie that I will watch.  There may be ONE movie that I'll take time to watch at home, and he gets it for me.  Others, however, have failed miserably in this attempt.  It's the same thing with music.  My wife once got me Ginuwine's "Differences" (the maxi-single if that tells you how old I am), but didn't realize I had already downloaded it to the computer.  Times have changed.  The big movie shelf with 2,000 movies is over.  You rent it on Netflix or online or through the cable company.  THINK before you go this route.  Otherwise after they open it, you could be told there's no Santa.