What? Of course it's real Coca-Cola, kids. This one is just, um, Obama's special brand.

Ah...President's Choice Cola.  That takes me back.  That, along with "Red Pop", supermarket "Black Cherry" or simply "Grape".  You could feel the tooth enamel being burned away with every gulp of this shit.  God my parents were cheap.  And now I'm the same way.  Well, you know what, when you're jobless, with no prospects and a house you can't afford, then some things just go the way of the decent Eddie Murphy movie...they just don't happen anymore.  In this house, that means buying name brands.  It's taken awhile but I've finally gotten the wife on board with this necessity of life, and happily we pass right by the household names like "Toucan Sam" and instead head right to the shelf with "Parrot Steve".

Now if you're living alone, or just you and the spouse, then you can easily get away with buying these "brands", adapting to the taste and saving a buttload of money each month.  However, with kids it's a damn different story.  They are bombarded with so many commercials on a daily basis that they can not only recite the jingles but give a rundown of the ingredients word-for-word and tell you whether it is part of a nutritious breakfast.  That is why the first thing you do is leave them at home when you go shopping.  Secondly, you lie.  Sorry but that's the way to do it.

Stupid Greedy-Ass Kid: "What is that?"
Parent Who Only Wants the Best For His Family: "It's Kool-Aid."
Stupid Greedy-Ass Kid: "Well where's the Kool-Aid Man?"
PWOWTBFHF:  "He's there. Go away."
Stupid Greedy-Ass Kid: "No he's not.  There's a big cup on it with one eye and a mustache."
PWOWTBFHF:  "It's the Kool-Aid Man's father.  The Kool-Aid Man is on vacation."
Stupid Greedy-Ass Kid:  "It says it's the 'Red Punch Guy.'  What is this?"
PWOWTBFHF:  "I have cancer."

Now as far as I know, I don't really have cancer, but at least in that moment it'll be enough to steer the conversation away from your brokeness.  And then you can use the generic kleenex you bought to wipe his tears because his "Daddy's dying".  Anywho, I figured for those of you thinking of saving money in these economic times and going generic, I'd give you a bit of a review of the items that are currently or have been in our house at one time or another.  And when reading this, remember...the point of these things is to help you save money, not give you great taste.  For example:

FAKE OREOS

If there is ANY product you don't want your kids to see that it's a generic, PLEASE, make it fake Oreos.  Oreos are so ingrained in their heads that they can spell it before they can their own name.  The Wife takes special care to open the package right when she gets home from shopping, dump them in the cookie jar and discard of the package before anyone's the wiser.  But it's not like they won't know by looking in the cookie jar.  It's like someone took special pride in smashing them all with a hammer before putting them in the package.  The odds of you getting one whole, pristine cookie is about as good as getting good weed from a guy named Albert.  

"ALWAYS SAVE" CHEESE

Tastes like rubber cement.  "Always Save" is one of the brands that has one priority.  Selling cheap shit, cheap.  This stuff melts like it was frozen in carbonite.  (Yes, I know "carbonite" isn't real, but neither is this cheese).  In fact, they don't even call it cheese.  It's "cheese food".  Add the words "imitation" and "process" to the mix and you've got something that even the dog tells you when you try to give it to him, "Look, I'll eat this shit, but I'm warning you now...that new carpet you just got...get ready for it to smell like my bowels.  Just sayin'."  This stuff is SO bad, that it's the ONE generic product I told The Wife to never buy.  We don't skimp on cheese.  You have to take a stand at some point, and this was it.

"PRICE CHOPPER" BREAD

Two dollars cheaper than any other bread on the rack and it's easy to tell why.  Wonder Bread's mutant sibling that somehow escaped from the attic.  The consistency of cheap styrofoam with a taste to match.  Put it in the toaster and you're lucky if when it ejects it comes out in less than 42 pieces.  The only good thing about this disaster is that aside from the cheapness, the store knows it sucks so bad that it throws about two loafs in one package.  Between that and the taste one package can last a month. 

"BEST CHOICE" FROSTED FLAKES

"Best Choice" is the other major generic brand here.  How they get away with actually calling their stuff "Frosted Flakes" is still stunning for me.  However, as a parent, I'm not complaining.  Because at least with this stuff I don't have to lie to the kids when they ask me did I get Frosted Flakes and I say yes.  Never mind that Tony the Tiger is nowhere to be found.  Never mind that instead there's some fat-ass penguin on there for some reason (OH, wait a minute. I get it.  Frosted.  Like cold.  So there's a penguin. Hmmm.)  The only problem is that, like the fake oreos, to actually get an intact flake is rare.  This stuff pours out like change, old buttons, and crack out of the pockets of a homeless man.  Also, note the Price Chopper Milk.  Goes bad at least a week before the expiration date.  But that's why you pour it and fill it with sugary cereal before letting your kids take a whiff.  It's all good.   

GENERIC APPLE JACKS

Sorry, had to stick with the cereal theme here for a minute because this stuff is garbage.  Tastes like chalk.  Chalk past it's prime.  Open the bag and the "freshness" goes bad immediately.  The next day it's hardened a bit and is like chewing a monkey's foot.  At least it's the same color as the real Apple Jacks though and my lies have been enough to appease the kids, who you better believe have asked what the hell this stuff really was.  I once was going to eat a bowl of it, tried it before I put the milk in, nearly wretched, and asked the kids if anyone wanted the bowl of cereal I had just poured because I wasn't hungry.  They had a lovely snack. 

"SAM'S CLUB" BEETS

Okay.  So not sure whether "Happy Harvest" is even a generic brand.  I know it came from Sam's Club though so I'm assuming so.  That's not the point.  The point is that when The Wife and I were in California for a wedding early in the month, my mother-in-law stayed with the kids.  She went nuts and was the greatest, filling our pantry, our freezer, our fridge with food.  It was outstanding.  We're still eating from her shopping bonanza.  HOWEVER, come on.  Beets?  Who the hell eats beets?  What are beets?  I hate beets.  Beets are the meal of the sick and destitute, those who eat refried beans out of a can and ride the rails to Wyoming.  Jesus.  Just thinking of the "beet juice" looming underneath that lid...ugh.

"BEST CHOICE" EGGS

For a taste of farm-fresh ass, buy this shit.  Oh, and a "Large" here must actually be in Chinese measurements because these "large" eggs are the size of eyeballs, with about the same flavor.  It takes five of these things to make a decent omelet, and the yolks look like these eggs came from a farm of baby chickens with genetic deficiencies who, because of their weaknesses, wouldn't be able to peck themselves out of the egg, let alone survive if they did.  I am an egg eater, which explains my 450 cholesterol number, so eggs are as important as cheese to me.  Shut up.  I know.  I'm a saturated fat mess.  Also, note the cole slaw container filled with homemade barbecue sauce.  The skimping never ends.

"WALGREENS" ANTI-DIARRHEA MEDICINE

Finally.  And most importantly.  Never.  NEVER.  EVER buy this stuff.  I beg of you.  If you value your comfort, you will stay as far away from this box as possible.  I learned this the hard way on a Vegas trip, when my friend and I, fresh from a night of drinking every different type of alcohol available that wouldn't blind us, awoke with runs rivaling that of the Kenyan marathon team.  So we go to Walgreens right next to our hotel.  Now remember, this is Vegas, so money is precious.  I see this stuff on the shelves, it says "Compare to Imodium A-D active ingredient."  I do.  It's the same.  It's $3 cheaper.  Well, that seems like a no-brainer.  Well, we would have to go BACK to the Walgreens hours later to get the real Imodium, because all this shit did was dehydrate us, hurt our stomachs, and do anything but stop the bowel onslaught we had been experiencing.  My friend STILL is angry at me for that decision.

I could do this forever...generic liquid soap, glass cleaner, potato chips...seriously the list never ends.  And I tell you what, if you're having a baby soon, go for the optional "Taste bud scrape" they offer at birth.  It'll save you a TON of hassle when it comes to buying generics down the road.