You Think You Know Us? You Don't.

So my general routine this last year has been to do whatever work it is I'm doing at the time on this computer...writing a script, working on a proposal, editing the book, etc., while at the same time leaving my email open so that The Wife can tell me things to do, what my children are doing that no one ever bothers to let me know of, and of course, anything that has happened throughout the day that has screwed us even more than we've previously already been screwed.  By the way, I remember when I was little, how "screwed" was an awesome word.  It always meant sex. "What?  Fred screwed Denise?" or "What? Fred screwed Sam?" (Fred was a complicated individual).  Now when someone gets screwed, it has absolutely nothing to do with sex and usually means a financial or career catastrophe which will ultimately lead to a bottle of Jack Daniels, drunk emails or phone calls that make the situation 100x worse, and possibly a night sleeping in the yard in nothing more than underwear with a gopher trying to burrow in a hole that doesn't need burrowing.

Most of you know "The Broyls Luck".  It's an awful, awful thing.  One of my best friends once told me that even Job got a break at some point.   Job from the Bible, of course, not a job as in something that I apparently will never have again.  So I looked this "Job" fella up.  Good Christ.  This dude got his ass kicked continually.  Family members killed, boils, the whole works.  Well, while we haven't had any of that...yet...The Broyls Luck is pretty ruthless.  So to bring it all the way back to where I started this post...about The Wife emailing me about shit...I figured I'd give you a taste of some of the things her and I discuss throughout the day...and this is just THIS WEEK.   No wonder I'm breaking out in zits.

Thursday, Dec. 9th

8:32am, The Wife to Me:
Our daughter sure got the Broyls bad luck!  I was almost to work when the Nurse called me.  Ugh.  I knew it was bad when she started off by saying, “Hi Kim…I’m so sorry….”.  I guess a kid got lightheaded and dizzy in Special Chorus rehearsal and threw up.  Well, it got on her pants, socks and shoes.  She asked if we had another pair of pants…..of course not; I only bought them for that choir thing.  She said that they could wash them up in the sink and that they have a dryer.  The last thing the Nurse said was, "Don't worry...I'll take care of her.".

My response: Of course she will.  She wants to be both kids' mother.  You should feel threatened.  Actually we both should because she'd have me removed as well so she could take them to live with her and her lesbian partner.  

9:33am, The Wife to Me:
So I called the dentist this morning about the 17yr old's wisdom teeth because yesterday and today, her mouth was hurting and she has been taking Ibuprofen.  She said she probably needed to do a panoramic x-ray to get a better look and said she wasn’t sure if our insurance would permit that.  Then at the same time that I said we don’t have any, she realized that we don’t have any.   I was about to ask her how much that will run and she said that it will bring our total balance to $315 and she will need full payment before they can see her.  I said that you have been unemployed for the last year and she said she knows but that she can’t do that much on a $30/month payment schedule because it will take almost a year to pay off. Gee, thanks for working with us.

Wednesday, Dec. 8th
10:04 am, The Wife to Me:
Don’t be mad but I guess that boy asked the 17yr old if she would want to go on Dec. 26 or Jan. 2, since that’s the last Chiefs game.  She forgot about us going and told him that Jan. 2 is fine, because he seemed to really want to go to that game.  I told her to just go and I’ll stay home.

My response: NO FUCKING WAY.


3:06 pm, Me to The Wife: So here's what Jason just sent me:  "I took a girl to a football game when I was 18.  She blew me later that night.  Good luck."


The Wife's response:  That's just what we didn't need to hear.

Tuesday,  Dec. 7th
8:41am, The Wife to Me:
I left you the van so that you can fix the headlight. Also, on your way to or from the doctor, can you please stop at Quik Trip and buy some oil for the van (and put it in)?   Also, don’t forget that she has her choir practice after school and we need to give her $6 for her choir lunch next week so can you please go to the bank and get out $10 so that we can cover the $6, plus give the kids each $2 for the money drive that they are doing at school? Oh, she's sounding really bad today.  When she coughs, it sounds like a low bark and she said it hurts to cough.  I took her temp, which is normal.

My response: This is the worst email I've ever woken up to.  Thanks.

4:10pm, The Wife to Me:
It's too bad we aren't rich...I'm craving Red Lobster!

My response: I could buy some catfish.

My next response after I came back from the store:  There was no catfish.  Pork chops it is.


4:44pm, Me to The Wife:

This music teacher is a psycho.  She told her NOT TO COUGH.  I said, "Was she kidding???" She said, No.  She said, "I have a cold too but I'm not coughing."  Are you fucking serious?

Also, the teacher sent her to the nurse to get cough drops.  Great pt. 1.  Then Mrs. Fucking Overzealous Nurse Johnson says, "Well, it's a little red in there." I hate that nurse.  She thinks we are the worst parents ever.

The Wife's response: Wow.  Not to cough, huh?  She’s a piece of work.  It’s FOURTH GRADE!!!  It’s not BROADWAY!!
Damn that nurse!  I have been sending cough drops and I only had 1 to send with her today. I was hoping to avoid her going to the nurse because I know how crazy she is!


THE VERY NEXT DAY:
4:41pm, Me to The Wife:
The little one had to see the nurse today.  Her ear was bleeding.  She denies it but she picked a scab.  This nurse must think we're just the worst. 


The Wife's response: The nurse is probably going to report us to DSS.  Great.


Monday, Dec. 6th
11:58am, Me to The Wife:
My head hurts.  I'm still drunk.


The Wife's Response:  You get no sympathy from me.  I told you so.


11:30am, The Wife to Me:
Did the guy come?  Did you oversleep?  I haven’t heard from you, so I’m hoping everything went smoothly with selling the cabinet.


My Response:  I completely forgot.


1pm, The Wife to Me:
She said she’ll request Jan. 2 off so that we can go to the Chiefs game.


My Response: Okay.