SPAM...With Cheese!

WOW! Really?  Spam with Cheese???  You know, I used to eat Spam when I was a kid.  Along with the cheese that came in blocks and the bread and butter sandwiches, my parents made sure to continue the broke negro cuisine by providing us with cans and cans of Spam.  Now honestly I'm not sure why meat in a can gets such a bad rep.  Cut a couple slices off, fry those bad boys up in a skillet, add some cheese, and you've got a damn good sammich.  And now, you don't even have to ADD the cheese anymore!  It's right there! See?  Spam...with Cheese!!  Outstanding Hormel.  Once again you've taken mediocrity and made it slightly less offensive.

Today's blog, however, is not about meat in a can.  It's about that other SPAM.  The one that we get everyday in our inbox's and if we're lucky, our SPAM filters.   I've been meaning to blog for awhile about some of the absurd emails I receive on a daily basis, and the last couple of days it's gotten really bad.  Not sure if because it's Fall and the SPAM bastards think more people will be inside on their computers or whatever, but my SPAM folder is bulging like that jazz dude's eyes or like the waistline of Kirstie Alley on a good day.  So, while I sit and listen to Billy Ocean's "Love Songs", I will run through my SPAM folder and give you the best of the worst.  Jesus.  Why do I even have "Love Songs" on my computer?  This song sucks.  I mean, I love Billy Ocean, don't get me wrong.  But this is the definition of a "Bitch Song".  Sort of like Babyface's "Whip Appeal" or anything by Mace after he went all God on us.  Oh great, and now "Loverboy" is on.  Why don't I just get this over with and just go straight to "Caribbean Queen"?  I know that's all I want to hear anyway.  Well, maybe that and "When the Going Gets Tough".  That was pretty bad ass too.  Yeah, I guess I kinda dig me some Billy Ocean.

I love not being hungover.

Anyway, on to the Spam currently in my email.

SPAM BASTARD #1: "Mr. Xu Guojun"

MESSAGE:  

Dear Friend, 

Oh, this oughta be good.  We're friends apparently.  Well, the fact that ol' Xu Guojun didn't pop up on my address list kind of throws a wrench in that theory.

  I am making this contact based on reliable information available to me courtesy of internet business index concerning your reputation.  

Really?  Well let's see what I can find in a 2 second search of myself that would really let you know that I'm not the right guy to be approaching with ANYTHING:  

- "declined to renew the contract"

- "fired"

- "I hear SB is a total bad ass stud" 

Seriously, that last one is real.  Never seen it before, but you best believe I agree with it.

  Thus I am convinced you will be capable to provide me with a solution to a money transfer transaction of $128,400,000 U.S. Dollars of which you will receive 20%.  You will receive these funds 100% risk free.

Wow! $128,400,000 U.S. Dollars of which I will receive 20%!!?  That's over, um...well, too much to count on my fingers but it's ALOT!!!  And it's risk free.  You know what, if I didn't already have a similar deal going with Mr. Yu Guojun, Mr. Xu Guojun's brother, who warned me to his brother's scam artistry and offered me $500,000,000 more, then I'd be in.  I'll just email him my personal information to let him know I'm not interested.

SPAM BASTARD #2: ZURINA

SUBJECT: It's time to test all that you have seen in the porn videos!  Desire to act like a porn star? Ram a pill!

Okay, first off "Zurina", if you knew the type of porn videos I watched then you wouldn't believe that you have the "be-all, end-all" solution to making all of my fantasies come true.  How's this for a proposal...the second you come up with a way to train a pony to smoke weed, handle a riding mower and wear lingerie while also being able to have his lover on a leash on the ground next to him without running over said lover's fingers with said mower, then you can send me an email.  You obviously have the address.  But until that happens I will say good day and flip you off with my prosthetic middle finger.

As an aside:  Heff is up because the email eventually was about viagra and viagra-like products.  I do want to say that I had another picture that I was going to put up, that of a medical drawing of what happens when a penis becomes erect.  However, I felt a bit emasculated by the size of the drawing's member, and decided against it.

SPAM BASTARD #3: "Mr, William Wilcox"

First of all, no, that's not a typo above.  Mr. William Wilcox actually did end "Mr" with a comma and not a period.  This should be good.

MESSAGE: 

Good day,  My name is Mr, William Wilcox, I work with the Euro Lottery.  I am soliciting your assistance for a swift transfer of 4,528,000 GBP. 

Okay, I want to be excited, but I gotta be honest...NO idea what the hell a GBP is.  I mean, it could be something good, like "Great Bag of Peanuts" and a brotha could eat for days with a bag of over 4.5 million peanuts, or it could be something bad like "Ghouls Bats Punks" three words which by themselves are bad enough but together could wreak a havoc I want no part of.  Oh, so GBP for some reason stands for the Pound, the British currency.  Okay, I guess I'll read on.

I am assuring you today to be a winner.  Naturally, every body would like to play a lottery if they are assured of winning.  Should you be willing to assist me in this project, you will be giving me just 40% of your winnings.

I love how he calls lottery fraud a "project".  And there's no way I'm trusting a guy who writes like a 2nd grader and thinks I'm an asshole.  You think you have to convince me that I'd like to win the lottery?  You, Sir, are an asshole.  (That's how you Brits talk, right? Calling people "sir" and "madam" and "Broke ass teeth dude"?) Well I decline your offer Broke ass teeth dude.

SPAM BASTARD #4: "Angila Vahsti"

SUBJECT: kud k7a

MESSAGE:   8

That's not a typo either.  The message was simply "8".  No link.  No referral email.  Nothing.  Just 8.  THE most cryptic SPAM I've ever received.  Let's at least google the subject of kud k7a and see if that pulls up anything.............no, nothing.  Well, what could "8" mean?  What is this email trying to scam from me?

1. We know who you are.  You have 8 days to live.  Pay us now.

2. Everyone thinks there are 7 Wonders of the World.  There are actually 8.  To find out where, reply to this email.

3. My name is kud k7a.  I am an alien life force from the Year 2310.  I have come back to your time because you have been chosen to be taken back to our planet "GALENSIA 8" to help lead the revolt against Sarah Palin XII and her band of Extreme Psycho Warlords.  You may help first by sending a check to this address.

I'd actually send a check for #3.

SPAM BASTARD #5: Dr. Princewill Dike

My absolute favorite.  It goes beyond the normal Nigerian send us your money scam and branches into an entirely different level of intrigue, paranoia and conspiracy.  It is something straight out of Mission Impossible or James Bond and is, without a doubt, the single greatest SPAM email I've ever received.  I don't think I can do this justice with my normal hack comedy comments.  So instead I'll simply let you read most of it without my interjections.  It is fantastic. (Spelling errors as in email)

SUBJECT: THE TRUTH ABOUT YOUR FUNDS.  VERY URGENT NOTIFICATION.

MESSAGE: 

Hurry now and claim your fund before it is confiscated by the wicked officials of the Central Bank of Nigeria.  My name is Dr. Princewill Dike.  I came across your file marked X and your released disk painted RED.  Those evil officials can never tell you the truth that they won't release the fund to you.  I can help you claim your fund if you can certify me my security.  This is like a Mafia setting.  The only thing needed is the Original Anti Drug/Terrorist Clearance Certificatecatef And Non Money laundering Cert and your bank account.  The only authorized and sincere person here is Mrs. Zainab Yaya.  Do get in touch with me immediately.

Regards,

Dr. PRINCEWILL DIKE

Outstanding.