Who's a drunk? YOU'RE a drunk! Oh Yes You Are!

As many of you know, I likes my beer.  I also likes my Capt'n & Coke and Jagerbombs.  On occasion I'll like my Gin & Juice, and when I'm traveling I like anything with an alcohol content higher than the percentage of party store owners who understand me when I ask any question that doesn't have to do with where the restroom is.  The point is, I enjoy to drink.  My ex-colleagues enjoy to drink.  And my friends certainly enjoy the booze.  Where I spent the majority of my days as a paid employee, in the media, you'd be hard-pressed to find a group as insecure and questioning as these people.  It's bred into you.  You never know if you're good enough, if someone with much less talent but who is younger and comes cheaper will eventually take your spot, or if you just tick off the wrong person and all of a sudden despite everyone in town loving you you're unemployed and blogging about how you're the drunk of the town.  Media folk are sad in this way but it leads to great times because since the job, itself, isn't fun, everyone gets blasted any chance they get.  

Now, the reason I seem like more of a drunk than anyone is because I choose to write about my exploits in an open forum.  I don't drink as much as the regular person on a daily basis and with my financial situation I CERTAINLY don't go out as much.  Yet I've had people here and there post with concern on my Facebook page that, "You know, I'm worried about you..." and all that bullshit.  Nothing pisses me off more than that.  Yes, I can drink.  And yes, when I drink I go to town, but Good God.  In trying to entertain and have fun by putting my shit out there, I get people who are trying to score a deal with A&E to have me over their house for an episode of Intervention.  Well, just to prove to you buzzkillers that I am simply a happy drunk who does NOT have a problem, let's have me take a test I found on a website...the Top 10 signs of whether or not you're a "problem drinker".  Then maybe we can quit the concern altogether and I can concentrate on what I'm drinking tonight since it's Friday.  

#10.  YOU REGULARLY DRINK MORE THAN YOU INTEND TO.

Well, this ain't me.  Because, you see, I know EXACTLY how much I intend to drink.  More than a lot.  More like ALL.  I go into any social setting where I know there's going to be a party and it's that one night I've been looking forward to for weeks, maybe months, that I'm going to put on a show unlike anything many of the people in attendance have ever seen.  Whether I bust out the Michael Jackson, the splits, I put on a one-man comedy show or start flinging around racial slurs, it's all in good fun.  Another beer? Sure.  Another shot? Why not.  I go until the bars close and maybe a few hours after.  In fact, I would say I should get positive points for this one because when I buy beer at home, I know down to the beer how many I'll need for the night depending on the time and the situation.  Normal Friday night, 9pm...how about a 12pk and a 40.  Friday at 10:30, just a 12.  Sunday during football season, better get a case just to make sure.  

CONCLUSION: NOT A DRUNK.

#9.  YOU GULP YOUR DRINKS.

I do not gulp my drinks for the simple fact that I'm a cheap bastard.  The quicker I slam my beer means the quicker I have to pony up the money to buy another one.  Now, there are times where slamming is a necessity and I will not apologize for them.

- You get to the bar at Midnight and only have a couple hours to booze.

- You're tailgating and the game starts in only a couple hours and you need to drink as much as you can so you don't have to pay $9/beer inside the stadium

- It's a keg.  Those things go fast and if you spend too much time savoring the awesomeness of keg beer, it'll be gone.  That's why at keg parties I park my ass in the kitchen or the basement RIGHT next to the keg.  Hell, I'll work the pump if it means I'm the one getting first crack at each cup.

- You're playing "Flipcup". 

- The bar is closing and you just ordered a beer and they're kicking you out and you'll be damned if you're leaving a full beer at the table.

See?  I believe that having predetermined reasons for slamming means that I have a detailed, logical thought process which ensures that I will only slam for the right reasons and not 100% of the time.  I'm a trailblazer.

CONCLUSION:  NOT A DRUNK 

#8.  YOU REGULARLY MISS WORK DUE TO DRINKING.

This isn't really a fair question because I haven't had too many jobs.  However, I can honestly say that as my recollection goes I've only missed work twice because of drinking.  And one of those times it was a paid internship in Waterloo, IA.  I was in Ames (about 3 hours away) with my college buddies, and after a night of debauchery called and said, "Uh, yeah, um, my alternator died."  The guy on the other end laughed at me.  Literally laughed.  He knew I was bullshitting but what can you do, I'm an intern.  Every other time I tied one on, I've dragged my ass into work.  Christ, when I worked in Wausau, WI, I was the only weekend reporter.  So I'd get crocked Friday night, walk right into the station, past all the desks, into the bathroom, throw up, then get my assignment for the day.  Did the same thing when I worked weekends at a radio station in Lansing, Michigan.  I remember here in KC after a particularly full-on party night, I was standing next to my co-anchor on one of the sets and she says, "Oh my God, you smell like beer.  That's awesome."  It was 5pm.  

CONCLUSION: NOT A DRUNK.

#7.  YOU CAUSE TROUBLE AT HOME.

This, again, is a place that I usually don't hit because I get so faced that by the time I make it home, or go upstairs to bed, I'm just ready to pass out.  However, I can remember a couple of times that Kim was very unhappy with my performance:

- Just this past Sunday I came upstairs and flopped on the couch, waking her up.  She asked me something and I didn't respond but just stared straight ahead.  She asked me why was I mad at her and I simply said "I'm drunk", excused myself and puked in the toilet.  A toilet that was broken.  She had me fix it the next morning.

- Years ago I went to the bathroom after a long day of drinking.  I fell backwards and right through the shower curtain and into the tub.  My wife came in and said, "Are you kidding me with this."

- A few years back I came upstairs and woke my wife up who was sleeping with some pressing questions...asking her in progression where each of the children were.  I then ended with, "Okay...where are YOU?"  Disgusted, she told me to go to bed.

There are many more of these types of stories, but hey, she's still with me, so things are cool, right?

CONCLUSION: A DRUNK.

#6.  YOU DRINK BECAUSE YOU HAVE PROBLEMS.

The irony of this one is although I have a million problems, it's not because of any of them that I drink.  This picture with me, a bottle of Jager and my wife and good friend by my side slamming a shot of said Jager is why I drink.  Fun.  Good times.  Social exploits.  As Hank Hill once said, "I don't want to associate beer with this kind of pain."  That's why I don't drink to solve problems.  That would seem to me to be something a drunk would do, and I, sir, am not a drunk.  Now who this imaginary "sir" is I'm talking to would speak more to me being a schizophrenic than a drunk.  And for this test's purposes, I'm fine with that.

CONCLUSION: NOT A DRUNK.

#5.  YOU TRIED TO QUIT BUT FAILED.

Heh heh.  Yeah, right.

CONCLUSION: NOT A DRUNK.

#4.  YOU LIE ABOUT YOUR DRINKING.

 

The great thing about having a wife who understands you is that you never have to lie about drinking. She pretty much understands it and our relationship thrives that way.  I can honestly say I have never once lied to her about drinking but at the same time she doesn't ask because she knows her husband.  It's not like family members of mine who I've seen hide bottles behind the toilet and under the sink behind the Spider Killer.  Nope.  I don't have to go to those lengths.  If anything, I'll lie to my friends about how much I've been drinking and tell them it's MORE than it actually is, because if I say a number and they think it should be more by this time in the game, then I'm a bitch for the rest of the night and I really don't want to put up with that.  

CONCLUSION: NOT A DRUNK.

#3.  YOU DRINK ALONE.

This picture couldn't have worked out better for this one.  I love this pic because this was the day after my birthday in 2009, when we had the greatest party of all time, and the waitress told me I had done 15 shots, and the next day my head was feeling it.  But with my friends and family in from out of town I went "hair of the dog" and pounded until the headache went away.  Apparently by this point I was alone in this endeavor.  And, I guess during football season I drink alone down in the basement while watching football, but that could be debated since I turn on the Skype and "drink with" my friends the rest of the night.  I do know that it's kind of sad to walk downstairs the next day and see 20 empties next to the bed and know that I did all of that "by myself".  Hmmm.  This one's a toss up.

CONCLUSION: INCONCLUSIVE.

#2.  BLACKOUTS.

Well, this one is where this test has got me.  From being called "Goldfish" because of my memory loss when tanked to flat out losing hours of what happened and not remembering one thing past a certain time of the evening, blackouts are my nemesis.  I remember writing an entire blog a few years back based on the different recounts by my wife and friends of what had happened.  Blacking out sucks because it can either be really fun to hear what happened the next day, or really embarrassing.  And unlike everything else when I drink, this is the one thing I can't plan for.  I have no idea when it will start or how much will be lost in the black hole.  By the way, this picture above, yeah, no recollection. 

CONCLUSION: A DRUNK. 

#1.  NEED A MORNING EYE OPENER TO STOP THE SHAKES.

Well, thankfully for me, after a solid night of getting destroyed, the LAST thing I want to do the next morning is drink anything else.  I know friends who do.  And that's just not me.  I have a cocktail of Alka-Seltzer, Tums and Imodium at the ready because fighting the urge to puke and shit is all I spend the day doing.  I don't eat.  I have a hard time keeping down water.  So no, I don't have the shakes and I certainly don't want to drink.  That's why living in Burbank, CA during football season was brutal.  See, here I can control not having to drink on Saturday night so I can be fresh and ready to go on Sunday.  There it was a different story.  Saturday night was ALWAYS party night, and with it being the West Coast time zone, the games on Sunday started at 10am.  We'd normally be passed out by 6pm.  

CONCLUSION: NOT A DRUNK.

So overall, as you can see, friends, I don't have a problem.  I am a person who likes to drink sometimes and when I do I go balls out.  If you don't like it or can't handle it, well that's cool with me, and if you want you can read someone else who talks about knitting and building card castles.  Or, if you want, you're welcome to stick around and read on.  Just don't be appalled when my next blog talks about how I slept in the yard in nothing but my underwear and an empty bottle of Jager.