Sorry for the late blog today but I decided it'd be worth delaying it a couple of hours if it meant I could talk about today's special event. Every year the kids have this exciting time where parents can eat with them for their Thanksgiving and Christmas lunch (Yes, I refuse to substitute "Holiday" for Christmas, just as I refuse to say "Bunny Day" for Easter or "Costume Day" for Halloween. Seriously, let's quit being so ultra PC, people). So this year's lunch we decided that Kim would eat with our Kindergartener, Sydney, at her lunch at 11:50, and I would eat with Amaya, the 4th Grader, at 12:05. Well, first before I went there, I had to go to the Price Chopper to mail a letter. Holy shit. I KNEW I made the right decision to hold off on writing the blog. In just TWO minutes I saw:
- A kid digging in his nose so deep you'd have thought his finger was the lifeline to the miners. Then he bounced between eating it and wiping it on the cart. The next time I shop in there and an employee asks me why I'm trying to balance a case of water, a jug of milk, a bag of apples and 15 yogurts all in my arms, I'll say "Because your establishment, Sir, is filled with a bunch of booger carts."
- A woman who asked the guy behind the counter to fax something. It wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't a torn up piece of paper that wouldn't have stood up in a toaster much less a fax machine. The guy behind the counter started looking for tape.
- And the best thing ever, a guy who was in front of me in line with a nondescript package that clearly contained drugs. He had a long, gray mullet and was obviously already stoned because when she asked him where the package was going, he said, "Uh...I forgot." WOW. Then as I thought about taking a picture of dude, behind me was another guy with a similar nondescript package who says to gray mullet guy, "Hey. John." Amazing. Price Chopper is apparently the place to go if you're weed trafficking through the Post Office. No wonder I've seen so many Columbians in there lately.
I asked her did she want me to bring McDonalds. She said no, that she wanted to eat the school lunch. I begged her. She didn't budge.
So back to the school. Yeah, Amaya wanted to eat the school lunch, which I had last year. Ugh. I'll explain why "ugh" in a bit. Anyway, the time in line was made much better when some kid announces "WE GET ALL THE PUMPKIN PIE WE WANT TODAY!!!!" Everyone is starting to get excited until someone asks him why and he points at a sign:
"FEES DUE TODAY"
Holy crap. If a 4th grader in a school in the suburbs can mistake "Fees Due Today" for "Free Pumpkin Pie", then our city kids REALLY don't have a shot. Regardless, I started laughing and so did Amaya because my God that was stupid. Anywho, after milling through the kids to get to a table, we sat down and the first thing Amaya does is drop a large chunk of her turkey on the floor. Great start. However, an act which would have called for a lashing at home, would go overlooked today, because when I'm at school in front of the kids, I'm not "Mad Dad" anymore, I'm "Glad Dad". I joke, I make fun of the kids, I basically am just there to have a good time. And you have to be that way when you look down at what you're eating:
I've served better meals at shelters.
This was it. Now I guess it's not meant for full-sized adults, normally, but damn. THIS is why I offered to bring in some sort of fun meal. Now the pumpkin pie WAS good, but really how can you mess up pumpkin pie. One of the girls across from us says, "OOOOHH. This pumpkin pie is heaven!! If I were to die right now I'd be happy with this pumpkin pie!!! Oh, but I don't eat the pumpkin pie. I just eat the frosting." Outstanding. Then this old couple across from me who's 4th grader was obviously a mistake when they thought the mom was in menopause because they were ancient, starts nitpicking the food down to the ingredients.
- This turkey sure is dry.
- Ugh. Did they put butter in everything?
- I don't know how much of this I can eat.
- At least the roll is wheat bread.
Meanwhile I was scarfing it down and really needed more. Seriously, I don't care how it tastes, if I'm hungry you could butter up a fedora and put it on a bed of acorns and if it's cooked right I'll eat it. So by this time the "only eat the frosting" girl was on a roll with her making fun of people. Thank goodness she wasn't making fun of me because here's an excerpt from the blog about LAST year's holiday meal, when one girl DID make fun of me...my goatee in particular:
At that point, I felt threatened, like I was on stage and being heckled, which I was, and by a 9 year old girl who thought she was Bonnie Hunt at that. And I know the other parents heard this turn-of-events and knowing who I am, were probably interested to see my reaction.
So I turned it on, and did what I do best...I DESTROYED HER. I went into a full-blown impromptu standup act (age appropriate) on how I was growing hair everywhere to compensate for not having any on my head. I said I would grow hair out of my nose, my ears, even my fingernails so I could tickle Amaya. The other girls were dying with laughter. One turned red she was laughing so much. Other parents started laughing. She kept trying to talk and I mowed right over her. I busted into a bit taking the Avatar doll Amaya had gotten in her Happy Meal, and had a mock conversation between me and the doll(who had this funny Argentinian accent for some reason), about how my mustache and goatee were great, and it was great to talk to me. EVERYONE was dying. The girl just shut up. When I felt I made my point, while the other girls were still laughing, I leaned in and honestly said this to her:
This time, things were civil. The only person this girl was making fun of was my daughter which, let's face it, along as it wasn't me I was okay with it. In fact, she caught my daughter for some reason buttering her roll with the pointy side of the spoon and called her on it. However instead of letting this play out on it's own and my baby getting too abused, I seized the opportunity and started a bit where I ate everything with the pointy end of my spoon. I started eating Amaya's potatoes with it, my pumpkin pie, even the rest of my turkey, stabbing it with the spoon's point and claiming how this was the way people were going to eat in the future. I convinced the girl not only to eat the rest of her frosting with the point but to draw her name in the pumpkin pie as well. The kids were dying but her mom did not seem pleased. Now I was becoming a bad influence. The girl then starts telling kids to eat their food by chanting "Eat it or wear it! Eat it or wear it!" To prove her point she puts dots of whipped cream on her cheeks and nose. One girl sticks an entire glop of mashed potatoes on her forehead. I was egging her on. I didn't realize that the only people laughing at the table were me and the kids until a teacher came over and chastised the girl for playing with food and said we were too loud. My God. 37 years old and told to "Settle down" by an elementary school teacher. Probably not my proudest moment.
At that point, I felt threatened, like I was on stage and being heckled, which I was, and by a 9 year old girl who thought she was Bonnie Hunt at that. And I know the other parents heard this turn-of-events and knowing who I am, were probably interested to see my reaction.
So I turned it on, and did what I do best...I DESTROYED HER. I went into a full-blown impromptu standup act (age appropriate) on how I was growing hair everywhere to compensate for not having any on my head. I said I would grow hair out of my nose, my ears, even my fingernails so I could tickle Amaya. The other girls were dying with laughter. One turned red she was laughing so much. Other parents started laughing. She kept trying to talk and I mowed right over her. I busted into a bit taking the Avatar doll Amaya had gotten in her Happy Meal, and had a mock conversation between me and the doll(who had this funny Argentinian accent for some reason), about how my mustache and goatee were great, and it was great to talk to me. EVERYONE was dying. The girl just shut up. When I felt I made my point, while the other girls were still laughing, I leaned in and honestly said this to her:
"I do this for a living. You didn't have a chance."
This time, things were civil. The only person this girl was making fun of was my daughter which, let's face it, along as it wasn't me I was okay with it. In fact, she caught my daughter for some reason buttering her roll with the pointy side of the spoon and called her on it. However instead of letting this play out on it's own and my baby getting too abused, I seized the opportunity and started a bit where I ate everything with the pointy end of my spoon. I started eating Amaya's potatoes with it, my pumpkin pie, even the rest of my turkey, stabbing it with the spoon's point and claiming how this was the way people were going to eat in the future. I convinced the girl not only to eat the rest of her frosting with the point but to draw her name in the pumpkin pie as well. The kids were dying but her mom did not seem pleased. Now I was becoming a bad influence. The girl then starts telling kids to eat their food by chanting "Eat it or wear it! Eat it or wear it!" To prove her point she puts dots of whipped cream on her cheeks and nose. One girl sticks an entire glop of mashed potatoes on her forehead. I was egging her on. I didn't realize that the only people laughing at the table were me and the kids until a teacher came over and chastised the girl for playing with food and said we were too loud. My God. 37 years old and told to "Settle down" by an elementary school teacher. Probably not my proudest moment.
Jeez. OKAY. I'm hurrying. Stop yelling at me.
When lunch ends, it's pretty much got the precise choreography of a military procession. They raise their hands in sync, grab their trays and follow each other in an orderly fashion. As you can see Amaya was trying to make sure everyone was following orders and moving in a timely manner. The 75 year old janitor was yelling at kids, "I didn't drop that!", "You dropped that!" so the line was kind of being held up at times when kids would stop to clean up a grounded tray for fear of being hauled to the closet and punished. Afterwards she asked me to stay for recess because today they were playing soccer. I didn't because the last thing I wanted to do after eating was play soccer in the cold and drizzling rain and possibly chuck up processed mashed potatoes on the soccer field, although I probably should have because it would have made for a pretty good blog post. And now my stomach's hurting. How do these kids eat this everyday? Well, I need to fix this stomach pain. I'm thinking a breakfast burrito should help.
I want a 24 hours of Shawn post.
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