Okay, don't get me wrong. I know dude broke the law. Tax fraud is a big deal and if you're defrauding the government out of tens of millions of dollars I suppose a punishment is in order. And as I sit here typing, I'm even pissed off at Wesley because I've been trying to come up with a Blade/Shank joke and I can't tie the two together in a joke to my liking. I had shit like:
"Good thing Snipes did Blade because he'll know how to use a Shank", and
"With the Blade series over, Snipes is starting a new franchise called "Shank", or
"Could Snipes be called a psychic because he did three movies about Blade and now he's doing three years with a Shank?"
See? Nothing landed. There's something there though. I know there is. Regardless. The point is as pissed as I am that he would give me Blade and Shank and although I call myself a comedian I still can't freaking figure out how to use them in a joke that's hilarious and coherent, I still feel bad for the guy. Seriously. I mean, if we're basing prison time solely on the damage that someone does to society, then there are like a million other entertainers that really deserve to be locked up more than Snipes. Sure he gave us some stinkers like Drop Zone, Demolition Man and Boiling Point...Oh, and I guess Sugar Hill kind of sucked. Oh God, Blade III was rotten to the core. And what was To Wong Foo all about? Jesus that was not just terrible, it was disturbing. Snipes in a dress was like watching a gorilla in drag. Brutal. Seriously, whoever wrote that was not only high but really high. Hmmm. So I guess he has had a bunch of crap in his career, but so what. His good stuff far outweighs the bad stuff, unlike a lot of these people, who just put out bad stuff and NEVER give us anything decent...ever. Like I said, there are like a million of these people, but for our purposes, I think I'll limit the list to ten.
#10. TOM CRUISE
You know, he sort of redeemed himself after his performance in Tropic Thunder, but that only lasted so long. The guy is a psychopath. Not that I have anything against Scientology, but Jesus Christ. There's having faith in something and then there's being an extremist. I picture Katie Holmes being continually "secured" in an empty, lonely mansion without access to contacting her family or friends, while the baby lives in a golden cage overhanging a stack of Scientology manuals with a fan blowing on them so she'll constantly be inhaling the wisdom of L. Ron Hubbard. For what it's worth, the guy has done some awesome flicks, and I just saw him performing his own stunt where he scaled the world's tallest building for the upcoming Mission Impossible flick, which was pretty bad ass, but honestly, I can't take him anymore. Put him away. Free Katie Holmes and protect Oprah's couch at the same time.
#9 THE SITUATION
I cry every time I see this guy. Because it's not fair. I want to flop on the floor and bang my hands and legs around like a 3-year old who isn't allowed to get a pack of Lemonheads at the checkout line. He's got abs. That's it. He was on a reality show. Now he makes...where are my kleenex...$30,000 per APPEARANCE. WHY is The Situation making "appearances" anyway? What exactly does this guy bring to the table that's paying him that kind of money for people to just look at him? And then he goes mainstream with "Dancing With the Stars". That was it. I don't even watch that show but that was it. I long for the day that this bubble bursts. The Situation represents a continuing trend of the American viewers who eat up anything television offers and create celebrities out of anyone. It used to be real movie stars and tv stars and such who would be worshipped, which is bad enough. But now reality "stars" like The Situation and The Snookie and The Housewives are followed on TMZ like they're Pitt or Clooney? Christ. Lock them all up, I say, starting with Meathead, here.
#8 NKOTBSB
This is an abomination of the stage. Watching the New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys(NKOTBSB) perform as what they're labeling as a "Supergroup" was an affront to everything music represents, namely relevance and coolness, but substituted with a big heaping pile of "Who gives a shit". Wow. First of all, nine people on stage at once is too much. Secondly, nine boy band members on stage at once should be illegal. Especially when one of those guys is Donnie Wahlberg who did his best Michael Bivins impersonation by trying to mask his lack of singing ability by adding even worse rapping and a tilted brim. Why would Wahlberg do this, by the way? Dude was accepted as a serious actor, hired in a bunch of cool cop shows, movies, etc., and he jumps back into the boy band fray that makes me take him about as serious as a 12-year old hooker. I mean, yeah she's 12, but she's a she. Either way, this group sickens me. Shit, the Temptations were looking at the choreography saying, "Damn y'all, that shit's old." I want this group gone. Locked up in the same cell so they can have a massive nine-man orgy that would have Lance Bass calling asking them to change the group's name to NKOTBSBNSYNC.
#7 FLO
I know she's not a "real" celebrity but still...enough. Enough already with the Flo. This woman is EVERYWHERE. When I turn on the TV, there she is. I turn on Pandora, there she is. AOL or Yahoo, she's on the side of the page for another Progressive ad. Do you know that a kid came to my daughter's school this year dressed as Flo for Halloween??? Are you serious??? Stop. Just. Stop. And it wouldn't be so bad if she weren't so freaking annoying. The second I hear her voice I want to take my gun out of my ass and put it to my head. You know we're going to be hearing stories about this woman once this ad campaign mercifully ends, of how she was typecast and couldn't get anymore work because all casting directors saw her as was Flo, so she posed in Playboy, and then took the leap into porn where she starred in a franchise called, "Flo Knows Diddling", until her career finally ended when she gained too much weight from all the food at the drug rehab clinics. The sooner we kill off this character, the sooner we all can get on with our lives and this actress may have a shot at doing something other than smiling and laughing like an idiot in an all white-painted store.
#6 RYAN SEACREST
If there's one reason I am happy to see the American Idol franchise taking a nosedive the last few years, it's because this guy is just out-of-control. He's everywhere. He's on TV, on the radio, in print...he's everywhere. However, if he wants to be Dick Clark he's failed because we never had to see Dick Clark like this. Why does the American public care who Ryan Seacrest is dating and what he had for lunch on the Sunset Strip? What is the infatuation with a guy who honestly isn't all that captivating? I mean, the only reason I want the paparazzi to keep following him is for the day when Brian Dunkleman finally emerges from the shadows at a Seacrest event with a sawed-off shotgun and a suicide note attached to his rope belt. No one can disagree that the guy works hard...seriously, he's everywhere, but he's taking advantage of a system that for some reason finds him appealing enough to follow his relationship with a Dancing With the Stars dancer who herself, now, is a celebrity. Yeah, that's enough Seacrest. No, the only way we could be hearing "Seacrest out" again is when I reevaluate your prisoner status at a parole hearing in, say, 10-15 years.
#5 WHOOPI GOLDBERG
What happened, Whoopi? Seriously, what happened? I mean, you used to be a funny, albeit strange comedian who was a pretty decent actress and fun to watch. But Goddammit. Now you're a strange, egomaniacal monster who can't seem to just have a regular conversation without flying off the handle. I mean, it's to where you're not even funny anymore. Even with your temper being as it is, if you at least gave us something to laugh at from time-to-time, we might be able to handle your insanity. However the only time we're laughing is when you show up to The View so high on pills, you sound like the mice on Speedy Gonzalez but without that grossly-racist Spanish drawl. Whoopi Goldberg has become the Randy Moss of television. She doesn't fit anywhere and she knows it, but instead of staying quiet and trying to smooth things over, she makes them worse by saying anything at all. It's time to go, Whoopi. Away. For awhile.
#4 PARIS HILTON
First of all, I'm just going to say my biggest pet peeve when it comes to celebrities is driving while drunk or high. Here's why...you're a quadzillionaire. You easily can afford a $100 limo to take you back to whatever party you're going to after the bar. Secondly, because you're a quadzillionaire, you have a bunch of hangeroners, i.e., fake friends, who aren't really your friends but just want to say they hang out with you. These people would be HAPPY to drive you home or to whatever party you're going to after the bar. WHY do celebrities continue to drive themselves places after getting smashed? I hate it. It makes no sense and this chick is one of the main culprits. But the reason I want her gone is because although she continues to do it, and get caught with drugs in the car and on her at the airport, NOTHING EVER HAPPENS. Sure, she had like 10 days of jail or whatever a few years ago, but what? She's been arrested since then, multiple times, and nothing. Yet if her name was LaTosha Hilton she'd not only have been locked up for a few years, she'd be on probation for years and every subsequent arrest would throw her back in lockup. She is the poster child for that Hollywood double-standard as well as Hollywood stupidity. I hate her.
#3 BRETT FAVRE
HAHAHAHAHA!!!! You dumb bitch. Sending pictures of your Johnny Tallboy across the airwaves like that. You know what, you deserve all the shit you're getting. Especially with the pictures I saw. Dude, those were the least sexy dick pictures this side of Screech. And what are you doing thinking that just because you're "Brett Favre" all you have to do is have one of your cronies tell this girl that "Mr. Favre requests your company" and she'll drop her panties and run naked to your hotel room? You aren't Kanye West, Guy. Rock stars get away with that shit. Young 20-something major league pitchers and other young athletes get away with that shit. You're 40-something, have proven to be a bitch by crying numerous times on television, and your body is broken down like an '81 Honda Civic. Plus you suck on the football field. I mean, maybe this kind of shenanigans would be acceptable if you actually were performing, but as it stands now, no girl wants to risk her career on a guy who completes more passes to the other team than his own...AND who has a 40-year old penis that instead looks like it should be collecting social security.
#2 TONY PARKER
You fucking idiot. YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT. God, I hate you Tony Parker. What the hell is this guy thinking. And for that matter, what the hell do any of them think? Tiger, Eric Benet, David Arquette...the list goes on and on. But Tony Parker, you are the dumbest man in America. Look at this woman. Sweet Holy Jesus. And you spend a year texting a teammate's wife who doesn't even come close to her? I almost put Tony Parker at #1 because of this stupidity. And come on, man...if you're going to text someone for a year behind your wife's back, get a different cell phone plan or something, I'm sure you can afford it. The way these dudes get caught texting is unreal to me. It's a phone. Hide it. Keep two. Have her in the contact list under "Frank". Anything. I mean, not that I've thought about this or anything, you know, I, uh...I love you, Honey!
#1 JUSTIN BIEBER
The hair. The Youtube. The Usher. The movies. The books. The fans. Please. Please. It's too much. This kid is not a Beatle. He isn't. Yet he is. He HAS become bigger than Jesus, and there doesn't seem to be anything we can do to stop it. I don't know what else to say but please God. Please. Make it stop. I beg of you. Just give this kid an acne outbreak that causes his career to end. That's all it takes, Man. ACNE OUTBREAK. Think about it. Oh, and cut off his hands and feet. That is all.
This list isn't quite complete without Kanye.
ReplyDelete