Where's Some Guy Named "Rolling Banjo" When You Need Him?

No idea what "Rolling Banjo" means but for the life of me I couldn't come up with a proper Indian name.  But the point is simple.  The Indians were thankful...uh, that one time, for everything that had despite everything they didn't.  It's a remarkable way of thought that is admirable in its simplicity.  Sort of the Bobby McFerrin theory of screw everything that's wrong and be happy for what you've got.  Hmmm.  I knew there was always a reason I hated that song.

Now let me start this blog off this way, because the second I start to complain about anything I'll have a bunch of people yelling at me telling me how people have it worse and I need to shut up and take it and even if there's no lube I should be happy that it's just one dick and not two.  (Seriously, my fridge went out this summer on one of the hottest days of the year and somebody said I shouldn't say anything because six months ago there was an earthquake in Haiti.  Needless to say that person is no longer a "friend".)  I get it.  I AM thankful for my family, kids, home, health, the fact I can have turkey and all the things to make the meal a memorable one, etc. etc. etc. That's not the point, so please, spare me with the speeches until I've at least had my first beer of the day.  All I'm saying is with Thanksgiving tomorrow, it made me think about how really rough a year it has been.  Every day it seemed was laden with one battle after another.  Roughest of my life, without a doubt.  And yet it was the busiest of my life as well.  Just one that I'll always remember, yet I can't wait to forget.

And just to be clear...I'm not looking for sympathy or pity or anything from this blog...there are just a lot of you who don't really know me and subsequently probably don't understand where the "Just Give Up" idea came from.  And on the flip side, those of you who do know me probably don't know the real story of what's been going on here the last year, and don't realize there's a reason behind all of this stuff I'm doing now, beyond just making people laugh.  Well, here ya go.

The year started out stressful from the job loss.  The crazy, shocking, completely uncalled for job loss.  I remember the day and it'll always stay in my mind because for a year before they let me go, I knew I was in trouble.  Not because I was doing anything wrong...in fact it was the opposite.  I had just gotten my picture on national television by being one of the ten finalists to co-host Live with Regis and Kelly.  I kind of hoped that this would save my job but in the back of my mind I figured otherwise.  You see, the News Director hated me.  Absolutely despised me.  And despite everything I was doing positively, I represented a failure in what she wanted for her newscast.  So I knew she had 60 days from the end of my contract to inform me that she wouldn't keep me.  So for two months or so, I had that date, November 21, in my head.  As the days neared...November 16, 17, 18...and I hadn't heard anything, I actually allowed myself to believe that logic had trumped insanity and they hadn't decided to get rid of me out of spite.

November 21st comes along.  I walk into the station as I always did at 10am to start my shift and went up to the assignment desk to see where I was going for the day.  That's when the Assignment Editor tells me, "Uh, yeah, Tracy wants to see you first."  I knew what day it was and immediately knew.  I turned to look in the office and the sight of the Human Resources person in the office confirmed it.  I knew what they were going to say before they said it.  "Creative Differences" was the official phrase they used, and that two-word phrase would be my financial downfall for the next year.  It's interesting because to this day I think they both expected me to explode and fire myself so that they wouldn't have to pay me anything the rest of the contract.  Unbelievably in that moment I had enough foresight to think of Christmas (I remember saying, "You're going to do this right before Christmas?") and the kids and realized that if I said ANYTHING I could lose everything, including any future unemployment payments.  I can't believe in that moment I actually thought of that.  So I kept my mouth shut, told them I wasn't working today, and left.  That's when it hit me, the actual problem I was now in.  Because after my contract ended at the start of this year, I saw my salary drop astronomically, as my News Anchor money went away, replaced by State unemployment.  I think the term is "shell-shocked".  I applied for everything.  I kept a board in the bedroom which marked down where I had applied, the date, who the contact, was, etc.  I got an agent, interviewed with local stations...nothing.  When it became apparent that I wasn't going to be getting a job, like thousands of other Kansans and hundreds of thousands of Americans, I realized that the weekly unemployment checks I was getting were going to be it.

Now when you're in this situation, as I'd never been, but quickly found out, you have to do anything you can to make up the difference.  Our 401Ks...gone.  That paid for a couple months of mortgage.  Then we started selling stuff on the Craigslist.  More mortgage payments taking care of.  In fact, it wasn't until my mother-in-law came to visit this October and started asking where everything was when we realized how much we really had sold.

One of the roughest times of the year came in the summer, when I had to transfer from regular unemployment to "extended" unemployment.  The problem here is that you can't apply online, and have to send in a physical paper form.  Imagine my fright when we got back from visiting the family and friends this summer for a week, and had in my mailbox another application for the extended unemployment.  Shit, they hadn't received my first application that I sent two weeks back.  Now I'd have to send it again and there would be a lapse in my payments.  I didn't realize that lapse would be SIX weeks.  More stuff on Craigslist.  More stuff sold.  The only good thing about selling all of this stuff is that when we finally do move I won't have to rent as big a truck, or find as many friends to help(yeah, dudes, those phone calls are coming...I'll have beer don't worry).

It became pretty apparent rather quickly that I was never going to get an interview for a job, not to mention any job in general.  I probably literally applied for hundreds of jobs.  Nothing.  Some really caring friends who I am still humbled by would send me openings and leads but nothing.  I'd ask others and get no response.  But that's to be expected.  I had a couple of priorities during this time:  1) Not let the kids know anything was wrong, 2) Not lose the house and 3) DO SOMETHING.

I took all of these priorities very seriously, but No.3 seemed to really take over my life.  DO something.  From the day I found out I was being discarded, I did something, namely I started writing.  I wrote a Family Guy spec episode(a spec is what you write to show your writing style to agents, etc).  Wrote an original pilot about TV News.  Spent weeks sending scripts and letters out to agents and producers but couldn't get past the receptionist(my second most-hated two-word phrase behind "creative differences" is "unsolicited scripts").  Then I went to L.A. in January to try and force them in someone's hands.  Came back.  Now it's February. Wrote an "It's a Sunny in Philadelphia" script.  Got more positive feedback.  Got more confident.  Late March comes around.  Wrote an original pilot about three idiot detectives.  Think I can produce this myself.  I plan for a month, then cast it in April.  During this planning stage I started a "reality show" on the internet called The Broyled Nuts about the family that I shot and edited every day until the computer broke.  A LOT of work, but the positive reception and chance to be creative was worth it. May comes.  Shoot the pilot.  Turns out great.  Get a new computer so I can edit it.  Submit it to one festival but nothing so I decide to keep it under wraps for now until the right time.  June comes.  I decide to write a book about the fact that one really will never succeed at anything so why not just give up.  That takes me into October and is the best thing I've written ever.  In fact I would eventually take a minimum wage stockboy overnight job at Toys R Us to help pay to get the production started.  October comes.  I get three grant proposals I have to do which thankfully makes a little money which can help pay the $1300 for the car's tax and title that I haven't been able to afford, so I can drive it legally for the first time in a year.  Finish those in late October and start writing a 30-minute stand-up comedy routine.  Finish that in November and plan on starting to memorize it, but I get another proposal, which I just finished that yesterday, almost exactly one year to the day I got let go from the station.  And after Thanksgiving it will be back to memorizing the stand-up routine along with re-editing the book from the copyeditor's notes.

The point is for the last year, every single day, even on weekends, I've had my nose in this computer, writing writing writing.  And shooting.  And editing.  And working.  And emailing people, making contacts, concocting schemes.  And for pretty much no money. I've actually kept a file of all the crazy schemes I've tried to get my stuff in the hands of people in the right positions.  It's a who-knows-who industry and has been extremely frustrating, especially when it seems as if the chops are there if I could just find a grill to cook them on.

But I am thankful.  It's not often that one can take a year to follow one's passion and do what it takes so when one does get in that position to show someone something, one actually has something to show.  The question I continually ask myself is am I destined to be this "No Luck Charlie" who continues to amuse and entertain people because of his terrible luck, or will the work actually shine through and something good finally happen?  It's a stressful question to ponder, and an extremely worrisome one.  We all make life choices of what we want to do.  Sometimes we're good at it and have a shot, sometimes we're not and eventually will have to give that choice up.  I don't want to be one of those guys you hear about who were basketball greats on the streets of Harlem, "better than Jordan, they say", but never did anything and now is working a menial job at Toys R Us talking about how he was better than Jordan.  I am thankful for everyone's support...ESPECIALLY my family, who knows how driven and frustrated I get, but put up with my nose in this computer the majority of each day, and my wife, who's working two jobs to pay for the Christmas she wants to have but right now because of our position, would be tough to have.  Thanks guys...and I'll keep at trying to make this choice of career a reality as long as I possibly can.  If nothing else, it's good for some laughs. :)