Clogged Arteries Be Damned

This is a picture of Wendy's Double Baconator, or as I like to call it, "God why am I eating this but it's so good and I know it's terrible for me but there's cheese and bacon and meat and aaahhhhhhh...."  If you needed a symbol of my tastes in food, the Double Baconator is pretty much it.  And yes, I said "Double" Baconator.  I'm so sad that it's no longer enough to just order the Baconator.  Now I have to actually have my mouth form the words "Double Baconator" and say it to the drive thru speaker.  Even sadder is they now have a "Triple Baconator", and I know it's not too long before I make the leap into that stratosphere of heart-stopping goodness.  When that happens, I'll be that guy who just rotates two of the exact same sweatsuits every time you see him. One's blue.  The other's black.  But it's the same damn sweatsuit.

The only good thing is that seeing as we're not strong with the finances, eating out has really gone the way of the cop letting you off for driving drunk.  Remember those days?  Man, life used to be good.  You'd have a bit too much, swerve into a pole, Officer Johnny would call you an idiot for drinking too much and the only way you went to jail was if you didn't have a friend who could come pick you up and take your car home.  Now if you just drive without your lights on, you're arrested, your license is revoked and that video of you trying to show the officers how sober you are by doing the moonwalk down the imaginary line they told you to walk is all over Youtube.  Unless, of course, you're a celebrity.  In which case, drink as much as you want and while you're add it throw crack and a dead hooker in the mix because your case will go away quicker than a bowlegged bullfrog gets ate up by a crooked-eyed gator.*

*This was my first attempt at a joke that appeals to the"Hee Haw" masses.  Did it work? No?  Send all responses to:
Hee Haw Joke Distribution Center
P.O. Box 49182
Tennessee or Mississippi or one of them other Southern-Ass States


So the point is that now we do much of our eating at home, it's good for two reasons.  I don't have to yet wear sweatsuits to go order Triple Baconators, and we cook which means the dinners are healthier.  However, BECAUSE we cook, we have a ton of leftovers.  I mean, a ton.  The problem is the kids don't love leftovers so much, and when The Wife isn't particularly down with them either, well, then it's hard to make the sale that leftovers are the way to go every other night.  That means there's a lot of shit that stays in the fridge until you unwrap the foil to see what is underneath and there's some sort of mutant mold monster growling at you spitting soggy meat at you...meat that was dry when you first put it in there.  So, in order to keep this from happening, I have taken to creating some very inventive dishes over the years which not only are original but make use of these leftovers so nothing goes to waste.  They're kind of like a hotdog, making use of all the parts that no one else would eat by itself, but wrapped together becomes a tasty treat, tasty enough to not even question the fact you're eating hog anus.  And it should be said, that for the exception of the Monte Cristo, when I typed in the name of the meal, the concoction I'd created, I couldn't find any pictures, which makes me think these are, indeed, originals that no one has been stupid or reckless enough to create.  For example:

FRIED SPAGHETTI SANDWICH

Yes, there is an actual picture of this, because I made it last night.  Holy shit.  I can't believe how good this is.  Note how it looks a little like a crab cake.  Well it was as good.  I took leftover spaghetti, stirred it around in an egg mixture, then coated it with Italian bread crumbs.  Then I took the patty (yes, it became a patty), and fried it in a skillet of hot olive oil.  One flip to do each side and voila.  It was absolutely outstanding.  This one I'd actually order at a restaurant.  My "Fried Mac and Cheese" meals NEVER turned out this good.  It had this crab cake crunch on the outside but then a spaghetti middle.  To really set it off, I made a grilled cheese sandwich and put the fried spaghetti creation in between the grilled cheese.  I tried to convince myself that since I used olive oil and bread crumbs instead of flour or something that it wasn't too bad.  In the end it didn't matter, because I ran out to get a bag of Cheetos to top it off.  Big Grab.

BREAKFAST TACO

This is one of my favorite meals.  No, not the white woman, although I imagine that she could be cute because her arms don't seem to yet have that tub of gelatin look.  The breakfast taco.  Every time we have tacos I purposely make a little too much meat for the next day.  It's the greatest.  I scramble two eggs, dump the taco meat in the skillet with the eggs, throw some shredded cheese in there too, scramble the whole mixture and dump it on a plate.  Then I take tortillas and fry them in the skillet as well.  When they're warm, I take a slice of American cheese, split it up and put each half on the warm tortilla, dump the egg/taco meat/shredded cheese mixutre on top to melt the American cheese, and Holy God.  I'd wish I could bottle the way the kitchen smells and sell it as the pheromones for fat people.  And seeing as 98% of Americans are overweight, I'd make a fortune.

MONTE CRISTO

This is the only one of the meals that I make which actually I could find, and yet it's also the only one that as far as my version was concerned, was a complete and utter failure.  There were two problems with my attempt to make these things work.  I was crocked off my ass.  Utterly destroyed.  A Sunday night.  Spent all day drinking and watching football.  Then as drunks are apt to do, got hungry and started rummaging around for food.  I got the bright idea that since I'm a great cook and had all of the ingredients, I could easily just whip up some monte cristos.  Now first of all, you don't just "whip up" monte cristos, but talking to me at that point was probably like trying to convince a heroin addict that Red Bull gets you the same feeling but without the uncomfortable side effects of prostitution, robbery and lack of usable veins.  I basically poured a half a bottle of vegetable oil in the skillet, made a ham and cheese sandwich with a little bit of flour on it, and started frying it.  It was disgusting.  Halfway through I realized I didn't have enough flour on it, and scrambled to pull it out, put more flour on it and throw it back in.  When it was all said and done, I had a stovetop full of grease and flour, a wife who left it for me the next day to clean up, and a sandwich that spit out grease everytime I took a bite.  Probably the worst thing I've ever made.  This isn't to say I won't try this again, but I can guarantee I won't be drunk when I do.

MELTED POTATO CHIPS AND CHEESE

Wait a minute.  I forgot about this Fail as well.  When I was younger, part of my round shape came because of my love for Lays Potato Chips.  Yeah, the greasy Lays that break apart in your hands and leave grease marks on your fingers.  Well, one day I decided to marry together my love for Lays and my love for cheese into something that sounded good but turned out to be a gruesome mistake.  I took a plate full of Lays, then put a whole bunch of shredded cheese on top of the chips.  Now if I'd stopped right there it may have been okay.  However, I took it one insane step further and threw the whole shebang into the microwave.  Yep.  To melt the cheese.  Well, if you didn't know, Lays chips, when put in the microwave, become even GREASIER.  Yes.  Out of the microwave I pulled a plate where the grease had pooled underneath the plate, and the chips were soggy from the grease and the melted cheese.  The worst part?  I ate them.  From what I remember, it was like eating wet rubber cement.  And I DO remember getting pretty sick afterwards.  Never done it since and never will again.

GRILLED CHEESE TATER TOT SANDWICH

This one is fantastic.  We always make too many tater tots, whether it's with burgers or hot dogs or whatever.  Now along with using them for breakfast skillets with eggs and meat and tomatos and such, I also have a way at lunch to dispose of the remaining tots.  Put some Lawry's on them bitches and throw 'em between a grilled cheese sandwich.  Oh shit.  First of all, if you all don't know about some Lawry's Seasoning Salt, then you don't eat right.  I put Lawry's on everything.  Eggs.  Potatoes. Vegetables.  Pork. Chicken.  My mother-in-law actually makes a special trip out to buy Lawry's when she knows we're coming to town to visit because she knows my love for the stuff.  Anyway, tots and grilled cheese.  Not as bad as Denny's new grilled cheese and mozzarella sticks sandwich and still quite good.  Although I will have to get to Denny's to try that out.  That sounds, well, just scrumptious.

There were a few other meals that I make that didn't make the list, but I tell you, if I can compile about 10 of these things maybe I'll rent a lunch truck.  If nothing else, even if I'm not successful, I can wear a sweatsuit.