On November 21, 2009, for the first time in my life, I was handed actual "walking papers" by my former boss. I worked at a television station in town...and because I'm not a vindictive person, I'm not going to say the name of that station in this forum. Needless to say the station's call letters rhymed with KCTV5. I'm not sure if any of you have ever been "let go" or "released" or "unfairly thrown to the wolves while doused in the appetizing semen of the unjust", but the feeling you get when either of these things happens is akin to the experience one would have if one was, say, "kicked in the scrotum by an antelope", or "slapped in the face by the breasts of an 103 year old Pakistani woman". What I'm trying to say is the moment was not too pleasurable.
Fast forward nearly 11 months to the day after that happened. No, not the 103-year old Pakistani brumski...the freaking job dismissal. Stay with me here, people. I've been collecting unemployment since late January, applied to roughly 5.1 million jobs, and been offered none. I'm seriously contemplating working an overnight shift moving boxes. Part time. Minimum wage. I've been turned down for paperboy jobs. Janitor jobs. I even interviewed for one of the janitor jobs. Let's just say when you walk into a dilapidated house converted into an office that strictly interviews for janitor jobs, with two hookers on cell phones inside applying for the same job as you, and you never get a call back which leads you to believe there's a hooker in a corporate office somewhere emptying trash cans for money while you're doing the same thing at home for nothing, well, let's just say taking a railroad spike to the eye so I could sue the Department of Transportation didn't sound so bad. A railroad spike covered in syphillis. I'd do it. Seriously. Okay, dont believe me then. If there were any railroads near me here in Kansas City, I'd gladly leave trails of cornea all along the tracks.*
*UNION PACIFIC ENGINEER, BILL JOHNSON SAYS: "You're an idiot."
O...kay. Glad to see our country's engineers have been well-trained in the art of tasteful arguments. ANYWAY, I'm simply trying to make a point. With that janitor job, I'm basically telling the interviewer I want to clean shit. I would LOVE to clean shit. I LOVE ME SOME SHIT. I love shit so much the Dirty Sanchez is a staple in my love-making. I love shit so much I go to the dog park and walk around barefoot. Ooooh! Just thinking of shit…ooh I better calm it down before I wet these new draws. New draws, by the way, which are filled with shit. So I want to clean shit, and I'll do it for minimum wage! But yeah, didn't get the job.
So between my lack of job prospects, the homes we keep buying that keep falling apart, the three kids that continue to siphon every last bit of money the government gives me, and every last bit of energy amphetamines give me, I've come to a conclusion. I'm tired of trying. I've accepted that it's over and that my life has peaked and now is on a downward slope to bankruptcy, homelessness and eventually a cold, harsh death in the middle of winter, in the back of a 1970 VW van that I will be living in after my wife leaves me for a man who has a job, and more importantly, is tall. (Yeah, did I mention I'm short? Yeah, got that going for me too.)
Here then is the point of this blog. I want to get you on board with this new and exciting way of thinking. You'll see from the hilarity of the pains and struggles of my daily life, that really, this is the only choice. I'm not here to motivate through my failures. I'm not here to make you say, "What a sorry bastard this guy is...I can't help but be better than him. I mean look at him...he's short." What I AM here to do is get you to understand something. The sooner you understand why every aspect of life is doomed to fail, the sooner you can get on with your life by performing simple tasks that don't involve any efforts tied to a sense of accomplishment. I am excited for you. You're about to enter a new way of living…more specifically a new way of thinking that should change your life, but not by being motivated. Rather, it will be by being awakened. So get ready, because like an alarm going off at 3:45am, it will be jolting. But hopefully you'll come out of it with your mind wiped clean of any enthusiasm for existing, a complete and total lack of energy, and a drop of drool oozing down your chin.
ALSO: I'll be on the Twitter...(take a look top right)...tweeting as shit happens. Believe me, in this life it happens often, so sometimes the Twitter is the way to go. Also, got a page on Facebook where you can tell me about why giving up IS the way to go...I'll post about my experiences and I want to hear yours too. Let's get interactive people...convince me I'm doing the right thing...or not. I really don't care. I've checked out already. I actually don't even know why I'm still typing here because I've turned on Tom and Jerry and I'm not even paying attention to what I'm typing rabies fried chicken pony in the fiddle.
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