The Circus That is After School Pick-up

Now that I've got a kindergartner...again...I'm back to actually having to leave the car, walk up to the school, and make my presence known before the teacher will release the child into my custody.  I've got no problem with having to actually, um, move.  The problem I have is the cast of characters I've had to encounter while I sit and wait outside for school to end.  If scientists did an experiment on the sanity of the American public, and the only pool from which they could draw participants came from the people that mill around school when the final bell rings, this country would be deemed about as nuts as Andy Dick on a good day.

I realize many of you who don't have children are probably thinking, "Shaun, once again you're exaggerating.  I'm getting sick of your blatant stretching of the truth in order to further your own comedic goals.  Just stop it.  And while you're at it, shave your head.  It's just getting sad...like a lawn after a two-year heatwave.  Pitiful."  Wow.  Ouch.  Well, I guess no one has ever heard of "sugar coating" or "not being a mean ol' meanie." Anyway, for your information, I am NOT exaggerating.  It's a different world out there at 3:30pm in a School Zone, and it takes awhile to get used to the people who'll cross your path.

THE OVERZEALOUS CROSSING GUARD

Before you even make it onto school grounds, you're gonna have to get past this guy or gal.  And the sad thing is, this picture really isn't too far away from the reality of who'll you run into out there.  Not literally  run into of course, because they won't let you get that close.  I mean, I understand the safety of our kids, priorities, no need to rush and all that crap, but seriously guy, you don't need to "prepare" us for the light to change and the walk sign to light up by awkwardly staggering out into the street a few seconds early.  Plus, it's 3:15.  School doesn't end until 3:30 and there are more kids in the shed of a guy with a red dot on the map of his house than there are out here right now.  Just relax, Sport.  I'm guessing most of these people are Born Agains who must have done some serious dirt in their past which is why they're taking this job so seriously, as if "protecting the children" is going to get them into heaven.  Well, it won't.  The corpse of that 83 year old woman buried in your yard who had the misfortune of breaking down in front of your house and needing to use the phone 12 years ago will see to that. 

MOTHER WITH 3+ KIDS UNDER 3

You've been busy.  It shows.  One in the swaddle, another in the stoller, yet one more toddling at your side.  No makeup, sweat pants and hair about as well-groomed as Medusa's. And now you're on the hunt for yet another one, finishing his or her (or depending on if you've got multiples, their) day of kindergarten.  You feel sorry for this woman.  A look on her face that depending on the day can either say "I hate my husband" or on worse days, "You know, Susan Smith was on to something".  Seeing her walk everyday like a mother dog with 12 puppies attached to her nipples, you envision her husband leaning back in an office chair, cigar in his mouth.  On the desk is a picture of his wife and kids face down, while under it is the office slut.  Her name is Cindy.  She's 23.  And only has two puppies.

 PART-TIME DAD

This guy's easy to point out.  Jeans from 20 years ago.  A stench from last week's eggrolls, and a look that says "time isn't on my side".  But when he sees his little kid, he smiles like the cheshire cat, overcompensating for all the years he hasn't been there and all the thousands of back child support he owes.  The mothers keep an eye on him because everybody knows that at any one day after an argument with his ex, he might peel out of that school parking lot and the next thing you know his kid thinks mom's dead and they have to move to Mexico...now.  

THE DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

Good God.  There's a group of them at each school.  Three or four women who are always seen together and who every other mother wants to be like.  I hate these women.  I sit and watch from the outside like I'm Christof peering in on Truman.  It's like high school.  All the other women's heads turn when this group makes its appearance.  They are dressed well, are generally on a MILF level, and welcome the groupies that start surrounding their crew.  When their kids finally do come out, they're too busy showing their minions their new handbags to notice.  Pretty soon little Timmy just gives up on trying to tell his mother about the pirate hat he made in class, and just smokes a butt until she finally shuts the hell up.

CRAZY LATCH-KEY KID

I didn't really know that a kid who went home by themselves was called a "latch-key" kid until I was older.  Then, when I started having children of my own and running into these kids more often when I would pick my kids up from school, I could really see how crazy they could be.  But think about it.  You're a 7 year old kid.  Walking home where you're there by yourself.  A Hot Pocket in the freezer and a note that says "Watch TV.  I'll be home at 6."  You're bound to start getting into something.  This girl I saw yesterday obviously got into schizophrenia.  I was sitting in my car waiting for my daughter.  She was walking down the sidewalk towards me...talking to herself.  She was about 12, coming from the middle school.  No Bluetooth in her ear.  Just a dose of good ol' fashioned mania.  As she passed my car, she started looking at me.  A cold, weird stare, while still mumbling to herself.   I dropped my eyes from her unsettling gaze and looked down.  She was seriously freaking me out and I figured if I looked down she wouldn't feel as if I was challenging her, you know, like what you do if you ever run into a rhinoceros or something.  Latch-key. 

 THE JUDO VAN

Have you guys ever seen this thing or is it just something here?  Every day after school, there's a stretch limo that pulls up, covered with information about this Tae Kwon Do place down the street.  The driver picks up a few kids after school, and I'm sure takes them straight to Tae Kwon Do practice.  At the same time, another place, this one Judo, pulls up in a huge church van, again with "Irving's Judo" or whatever it's called pasted all over the van, picks up some kids and whisks them off.  I can't decide if these things are cool or just plain weird.  I mean, I want to say it's cool, but at the same time every time I see these rides I think "The cult's back in town."

CREEPY LURCHER GUY

Oh he's there.  You just won't see him until it's too late.